This is a little different and unorthadox for me, but time for me to shoot from the hip. Like I ever plan anything anyway....but here we go. So as you may have noticed, for the past few months I havent been really involved in the Coaster Crew. Any mention of me on In The Loop has been met with either a pedophile joke, or an ad for one of my other two podcasts, The ABIS or Behind the Thrills. To say I've been busy is an understatement. If you think that it ends just there, you're mistaken as well. If you think my online life has been neglected, wait til you see my home life. I'm still Mr. Mom and still have the top priority to my kids, but there's where my priority ended. I was neglecting everything else in my life, and devoting my time to something I shouldn't. Yeah, I was not the good guy I should have been. I thought I was unhappy with my life, and was seeking to change it. But was I? This has been a really rough year for my wife and I. She lost her job, which caused a big riff. I lost websites and podcasts due to my own -gasp- ego and way I wanted to do things. Then I had friends pass away, and medical problems.I sat back and looked at my life and decided that the way I was going wasn't the way I wanted to be. I became involved with In the Loop and regained some of my flair for theme parks, and a zest for wanting to do podcasts. I was approached by people who wanted me to start my own podcast again, and I did. I made a concience decision to improve myself and my appearance by goading Clint Novak into the Biggest Loser, in which I lost 60lbs and counting. I'm eating healthier, living better, exercising. Everything. Then in October, I got some special attention. We had the ABIS starting out, and it was doing well. I had people interested in me that probably wouldn't have been a year ago. I did some bad stuff. I didn't like that I did it, but I did it again, and was making plans that would tear my family apart. I was so committed to this idea, and blinded by this notion that I partially did it this past week, asking my wife for a divorce. It wasn't a good situation, but I was committed and I had to do it. My wife who had done nothing to me except love me and be the best she could be was heartbroken. She had no clue about what I had done, or why I was leaving. But the more I thought about it, the more I hated myself for it. So I did what I felt I had to do, I had to work things out, and I had to be honest. So I was. The truth didn't hurt as bad as I thought it would, but it had done damage, and something needed to be done. My wife and I needed to spend more time together, and we needed to do something to get things back on track. We've been talking more than we ever have in the 15 years we've been together, and have been doing things like "date night" leaving the kids behind...something that we never have done, ever being the family unit. So where could we go for a date that would help us feel the "magic"? We heard ads for "Mickey's Very Merry Christmas Party" at Disney's Magic Kingdom. It was good for a night away, and it was something we both really liked...Christmas and theme parks. I was very skeptical, not being a fan of Disney because of the price, the crowds and the lack of wonder Disney had instilled in us for the past couple of years. But, I had to try, and try I did. We went to the Magic Kingdom for the party and were immediately immersed in Christmas Joy. Everyone was so nice, nicer than usual. There were crowds, but nothing like there had been in the past. Everyone was also in such a nice mood. Instead of being grumpy and rude they were...happy and festive. If you bumped into them you didn't get the normal "HEY MY KID WAS HERE FIRST!" instead you would get "Oh, I'm sorry...Merry Christmas". We even talked to a lot of people about Horror! HORROR OF ALL THINGS! We saw a lot of rides that we hadn't in a long time, and walked hand in hand down less crowded streets hearing Christmas music and watching the fake snow fall. The weather was cold, and the free hot chocolate and 60 dollar cookies were great to keep us in the spirit. The best thing of all, we stood in front of Cinderella's Castle dripping in LED lights looking at each other, and feeling something we hadn't in a long time as we watched the "Holiday Wishes" fireworks. We felt magic. Both for each other and for the park. So what now? Well, one day at a time. I hurt a lot of people along the way, and did some things I'm not proud of. For that, I'm sorry...you know who you are...I don't need to mention anyone by name. I've also lost track of what was important....both as a professional and a person...wait..I'm a professional? Okay, so as a person. To fans and staff of In The Loop and Coaster Crew, I'm sorry for less than stellar performances. I'll try harder....And thats all I can say. Will I stop with the other sites and shows? Well, I'll stop with Behind The Thrills, but the ABIS and AwesomeBadness.com is something I need to pursue..I hope you all can understand. Back to Disney. Thanks. Thanks for giving me a little inspiration and filling a rough time in my life with the magic I needed to remind me that good things in life sometime come with difficulties, and things you dont like. But if you keep with it, and if you try, the magic is still there. I'll post pictures a little later. Erik
Today was the last day of full operation of Cypress Gardens. Wow. It was one of the oldest and longest running parks in the country, and really sparked an interest for a certain mouse to come in and put a stranglehold on the industry. It was built as a simple botanical garden by the Pope Family, and it was passed on. The main highway through the center of the state at the time was the one that runs right in front of the park. With the advent of the Turnpike and I-95 traffic was diverted away from it....and then in 1971 Walt Disney World opened the Magic Kingdom and that was pretty much a slow death for the once great park.In the 1980's the original owners retired and the eldest son took it over, and many say ran it into the ground, until Harcourt purchased it, along with Sea World, Circus World (later Boardwalk and Baseball) and a bunch of other small traps. Then it was sold to Anheuser-Busch who kept it until 1995. While it didn't perish, it was nowhere near the once huge playground to the stars it was in the 3early part of the century. Parks like Disney and Busch Gardens pulled away the tourist dollars from it. Then 9/11 happened, and even the greatest parks in the area took a downward spiral. It was a matter of time before the park was closed due to declining tourism. April 2003 the park closed its doors for what seemed the last time. In Feb. 2004 Wild Adventures owner Kent Buescher bought the park as part of a last ditch effort to help conserve the landmark by the state. The plans for a September reopening were put on hold when three hurricanes (charlie frances and jean) ripped through the state in less than a month and did extensive damage to the park and several of the rides. Eventually the park did re-open, but a lot of the charm was gone. And again, we see it closing its doors....though it will re-open once again, like the ever rising phoenix this time minus all the animals, and rides with just the gardens and an expanded water park. How did this go wrong? Well, its an "adventure park" with no adventure, for one. They tried to go after the coaster loving market by adding a bunch, but they were nothing more than cheap knock offs of carnival rides. The park was never really clean, and there was always something broken. Daily operations werent ever mastered, and money was wasted on free concerts to try and drag people in, only to have the bands walk off stage, refuse to go on, or vow to never go back. What could have helped this park be what Wild Adventures is, and thats a mild success? Well the first thing would have been a little paint, and some massive themeing elements. Stick wih the fact that you are an old school, old Florida park. Capture that beauty just like parks such as Dollywood does. Build on your landscape and maintain it. The rides were a step in the right direction, but they were far too little far too late. More adult rides could have helped, such as a big coaster dipping over the lake. Actual queue lines and more money in the shows also would have helped. I swear to god I saw a guy using a broken ski on the "world famous" ski show. When I talked to him after the show he simply said "It broke last month. They wont buy me a new one." Really? Jesus! When you open a ride, something else that could really help is the fact that it's actually ready to ride. When Starliner opened, after a long speech about how God was the key in getting this ride ready, Mr. Buechner then told us that it wasn't ready because they didn't have the G-force tests done in time. And one thing that a lot of the older parks in Florida just dont get.....Rain happens in the summertime. How about a high capacity Dark Ride? Nope...instead we're going to drive peope away from the parks when it rains. No, looking back, it seems the park was destined to fail again, and be closed yet one more time. Hopefully this time it will be the right way to go. This is a part of not only Florida History, but Theme Park History. It's got a great story and needs to be preserved the best it can, but not at the price of progress....because if it keeps getting the kid glove treatment, it's going to eventually succumb to the knife and it wont come back.
November 1st. This is the time of year that I hate the most. It's like watching the woman you love drive away for a long trip home and you knowing that not only will you not see her again for a year, but you wont be having sex, think of anything else, or even touch yourself for a good seven months. Yeah, its hard.
So lets take a look back at what I'll miss.
First thing I'll miss about my beloved haunt season is the smell of her hair....that is to say the fog that rolls out from out of nowhere and blankets the events, it wraps itself around you and kisses your face, sometimes choking you but god does it feel good. Its the sign of a great haunt, the way that it blankets around an event, making it almost impossible for you to know which way is up.
Next I'll miss her face, how beautiful it is, and the way she peers into my soul....which is to say that every event has a different layout, and a way of transforming a park, a zoo, a building, a parking lot. Every single great haunt will penetrate you deeply in some way or form.
Her touch, the way she effects every single facet of your thinking and effects the way you think when you're ar
ound her. Thats self explanatory...you love your haunts, and you love being there.
So in short, goodbye my love. I hope to see you again sooner than not, I love you, and will dream of you every time I close my eyes.
Wow....that is waaaaay too loving for a haunt isnt it. Good god, I need help.
What did you do for Halloween? Me I went trick r treating.
I was two face for Halloween, and it was my first attempt at some good ole fashioned latex make-up. I also shared the love with my son who wanted to be the demented Joker from Dark Knight.
Latex is really fickle, and its fun to work with, but you have to have a level of patience that I simply dont have. I took almost an hour to do the make up that I did, but thats from shaving my head all the way to getting dressed. It was cheap to do, did the whole thing for under 20 bucks, and it did turn some heads. My favorite was going into a liquor store in make up and just getting the looks of sheer panic as I slid my bottle of vodka on the counter. It was even better going to Wal Mart after I stripped the latex off...which I should have done in the store, which left me with half a shaved head and strips of red and black make up everywhere. It looked like I got my ass kicked hard. Some lady just stared at me like she was trying to figure me out.
"Yeah, you should've seen me with the make up on."
"Huh?"
Idiots are fun. Fucking with them is more fun.
So today I'll be going back to Halloween Horror Nights for one final time to say Good Bye to Bloody Mary, and tomorrow I start working on the haunt video....what else am I going to do? My reason for breathing is gone!
So until next time, keep your pants on.......scaredy cats.
In 1993 I took my little sister to see a Disney animated film only it wasnt like any other Disney animated film she had been to. It was dark, it was a little demented, and it was really different from the other films in the Disney library. The animation was an old style once used by the great Ray Harryhausen. It left a deep and lasting impact on me. Recently I picked up not only the 15th anniversary edition of the film on DVD but also an odd CD.
Nightmare Revisited is a collection of the original music done by today's artists. You have Marilyn Manson doing "This is Halloween" and othe bands such as The Plain White Tee's and Rise Against doing other songs. Some of them hit the mark and not only capture the spirit of the movie, but shows the influence the movie had on the bands.
You dont really realize how dark and odd the songs really are until you hear a guy dressed in black lipstick with black eyeliner whining out hte lyrics.
First a little review
Overall, I dont like this new type of "rock". I call it bitch rock. The guys whine out all the lyrics and it really all sounds the same. The CD is filled with it to the brim. Most of the songs are done in the way the bands signature style but its really nothing too original and nothing really out of the ordinary. Most of the bands do the songs in ways that makes them almost unrecognizable such as the "Town Meeting" song done by Polyphonic Spree. Others are good, but not what you want out of them such as the Oogie Boogie Song....its done completely by Spanish accoustic guitars...talk about out of place.
But the biggest surprises are from Marilyn Manson, Korn and Amy Lee. "This is Halloween" was really a natural fit for Marilyn Manson as its really a dark song to begin with. Add Mansons dark screaming voice and his nasty beats....and wow, it just stands out. My favorite song has to be Korns "Kidnap the Sandy Claws". From the first opening of the "La la la" I was hooked with it. Korn took the song, and had fun with it. Its apparent and its great. Even Amy Lee being her normal sad and depressed form is really great with Sally's song. Nightmare=EMO I dont know what EMO means. I really dont, I only know that the EMO kids are a lot the Goths from when I was growing up, only they all like the same things and arent into the whole death is the only release thing. EMO's are dark and happy. Why? I dont know....but they like to whine about how bad their life sucks even though they have a million bucks. I dont know....but listening to Nightmare Revisited I realized that it was this movie that made these kids the way they are. Things are dark and depressed, and happy in the end. Its bad, just not that bad and it will all work out in the end. It's funny really. The individuality of being a "goth" is lost with this generation, and the open ended consumerism that Disney represents is embraced with open arms with a movie like Nightmare. The darkness appeals to them, and nevermind the fact that everyone else is doing it. Back when I was a kid when this movie came out, it wasnt a huge success so we were different for knowing all the words and loving it like we did. It's really ironic if you think about it, how these kids claim to be just like everyone else, yet they all follow the adventures and embrace the tale of a Skeleton looking for something different. Thats all I got..... Til next time keep your pants on.....pumpkin smashers.
It's a wonder that any of us survives what our parents put us through. As kids we are at our parents every beckon call and whim. We only eat when they say we can, we only do what they say we can do, and we go where they go. It's not really that fair honestly. But the wonders of being a kid are endless. Everything is bigger, everything is really kind of new, and everything is really scary. So as parents we've got to kind of remember this.
Case in point: I took my kids to Halloween Horror Nights last week. Both of them. This goes against just about everything I've ever said about Halloween Horror Nights and kids. I've always said kids don't belong at HHN, it's scary as hell, sexual as hell and overall just not a kid friendly environment. And frankly I was right.
As many of you know, I dont like to do much without my kids, we are a family and treat each outing as such. We are typical in the fact that we try to schedule just as much for the little one as we do for us three thrill seekers. Usually we spend a lot of time in many kids zones and coasters and because of it, I have a vast knowledge of just about everything having to do with parks. I know every nook and cranny of Universal, IOA, all the Disney Parks, BGT and Sea World. We do enough to keep everyone happy, in short.
Now its been like this as the kids have grown taller, and closer to the height requirements. We dont pressure them into riding anything. No, no pressure.....how ever we make it sound as fun as hell, and something that you'll need to ride when you get big enough. This has worked for my son and has turned him into an all out freak. It's even started working for my daughter who at the age of 7 is making her way to that magic 54 inch mark. Right now she's just about 51 which will open her up for a bunch of stuff, but she's not ready for a lot of it. She's just not a go getter when it comes to coasters. And as I recognize this, I tend to be her defender as my wife and mostly my son try to push her into going on rides like Tower of Terror and Rockin Roller Coaster. I usually stay behind and we watch the on ride photos and the coasters whiz by. A lot of times she is suffice to watch, other times she swallows her fear and jumps on in headfirst.
This was the case with Halloween Horror Nights.
For the past few months...lets face it...I've been talking about it. All haunt fans do. We get all excited about it, and we let it dominate our souls. This year was no exception. My wife and I have been gone the past two weekends, which leaves the kiddies feeling a little left out. Cant blame them. They've been inundated with pics and video of the event. So much so that Maddy has been saying "I want to see Bloody Mary".
This past Thursday my wife called her bluff. We went to the event. My son, was a nervous wreck, asking all manners of questions and making us promise we werent going to make him go in any houses unless he wanted to. We assured him we wouldnt. Our daughter was another story, chanting bloody mary into the mirror and getting excited for Bill and Ted quoting lines from the movies all the way up to the park. When we got there, however, the tides turned. We could see the worried giddyness in Clifton's eyes as he watched the people screaming into the front gate. Hordes of characters flocking around every single guest as they entered. It was great.
The same was not so for my daughter. Maddy went almost catatonic. Her face was white, she stood stiff and rigid, not able to speak much. We asked time and time again, "You sure you want to go in?"
"Yeah, yeah I wanna see Bloody Mary."
So in we went. We no sooner get into the first scare zone before she showed her true panic. I'm not going into full detail here.....but I do here.
So her and I, after some discussion turned around and left the park...leaving my son with a panic look on his face that said dad wasnt going to be there to protect him as he and his mom toured the rest of the haunt.
Maddy and I ate instead and talked about things. "Dad they freaked me out"
"I know darlin, but you know thats what they're supposed to do."
"Why?"
"It's their job to scare people. You go in there to get scared."
"Well, I dont like to be scared."
The heart melted. What had I done? Have I permenantly scarred this child and ruined any scary experience for her? Hardly, we walked over to IOA and she asked if she was tall enough to ride Dr. Doom...she was, and she pushed people out of the way to ride for the first time. It was a shock to see this little imp of a child excited about something she was terrified to ride just three weeks earlier. She wasnt ready to see her fears reflected, but she was ready to face some other little fears.
So point to this? Kids will go at their own pace. If you show a love for something, theres a good chance they will too, just to gain your acceptance and approval. Show it regardless if they go on a coaster, haunt or not.
This week, since it's been a while, I've decided to hand over the reigns to my pal Crazy Scott. He's on the ABIS with me, and recently was able to attend the HalloweenHorror Nights Media event thanks to Clint and the Coaster Crew. He's a little off beat at times, but completely honest and pure. So, Scott all yours. Hey Everyone! So Halloween Horror Nights is pretty huge. I've been going for years, since I was in the first grade pretty much. This year was being billed as the biggest and baddest that they've ever had. In some parts it lived up to the hype, in others, not so much. But more than that it really etched itself into me more than a lot of people can imagine. This year's theme is "Reflections of Fear" and Bloody Mary is the Icon who drags you through the mirror and into her world. It all starts with the front gate. A huge mirror hangs above it and clips of Mary just roll past you until....BWA....She drags you in. As soon as you walk into the park you're greeted by "mirror" people....kind of lame. It's supposed to be a scarezone, but its not really. There's nothing really here except for the few scareactors walking around, and thats about it. When you get into the park, however, you face a choice....straight or right. If you go straight you run smack dab into the middle of "Path of the Wicked" left and you're in Asylum in Wonderland. Both really great zones. And thats what Universal really concentrated on this year, scare zones. All are really great, some not too big, but they offer some really great scares. Lets take a look at these first two. Path of the Wicked So Dorothy is dead, the queen won. All the characters have taken on an evil personality. The queen sits from up high blasting fireballs as you pass. Flying monkey's go swooping over head. Simply freaking amazing zone. There's not much in the way of scenerey going on here, but you have all kinds of characters walking around. The cowardly lion drank a whole bunch of courage and is out to kick your ass! The tin man has cut off his hand and replaced it with an axe and is going to get a heart anyway he can, and the scarecrow is walking around on stilts leaning down to eat your brain. Asylum in Wonderland It's an all night rave! Quick get me some glowsticks!!! Drop some EX...This is another great zone with things just going nuts. The white rabbit is late as hell and he's pissed. Alice is running around eating people. All your favorite characters are insane...well more so than normal. If you ask me, its' not much of a stretch from the books...as the author most likely wrote them on LSD or some kind of mind altering drug. And thats exactly what you get....the world you know flipped on it's ear. A very merry un-birthday indeed. Skoolhouse Now this one is really cool. 400 Jack-o-Lanterns and a school set up in the middle of the place, complete with a bus, a playground and kids walking around trick or treating. I loved this it created such atmosphere.
I'm not going to go all into the houses, except to say that there was 8 of them, and that Dead Exposure was my all time favorite. It's a strobe house, and you're in a picture during a zombie invasion. Really great concept, great follow through and lots of scares. Bill and Ted wasnt as good as it was in the past, it felt like they just tried too hard to top themselves and just kept missing the mark. They also went with a bunch of jokes that kind of crossed the line(Die Joker! Too late). That was opening weekend though, and it has gotten a lot better. Overall the event was really good. It seems like they always tend to give you one or another...either the houses are really good and the streets are non existent, or its the other way around. Last year the houses were AMAZING, this year they're good. Last year the streets were gone, this year they were IN YO FACE CHIEF. But overall a lot of fun. On another hand, I've listened to In The Loop once, and it seems that you guys just dont really get it. Sure you love your coasters and you love the parks, but you just dont seem to be that into a good haunt. There's nothing wrong with that, but its sad. I think it's because you guys dont really have a great one at a park near you. I'm sure the ones you have are good.....but none of them are great. Here we have the best, and one of the better(Howl O Scream Tampa). And yeah, I know there's a Howl O Scream in Virginia, but its not really the same is it? Ours features two slutty tore up faceless bitches, yours....a guy with a pumpkin head. I know pumpkin heads....just look at Erik Yates...that guys head is HUGE! But he's not scary. There are also things that cater to kids.....haunts for kids are fine, but not for adults. We want in your face scares, thrills and details. We want stuff so insane that it eats at your soul for the next 11 months that its gone. We want sex!!! For Halloween too! We all know that Halloween has gone from a kids holiday to the worlds sluttiest candy party...thats because as kids we grew up, and we made it what we want...and what we want is slutty witches and whore versions of princesses. But a great haunt truly penetrates you and makes you think of nothing else. When you see some first glimpses of it, you're awe-struck. Better than Christmas. Your gift is seeing the world that they create come to life around you. It gets in you and eats at you. Thats what HHN at Universal does. It never leaves. You smell something and it takes you back. You hear something and you're in the middle of a house from years past. You go somewhere and walk down a street and expect to have someone jump out at you. I'll never be able to go to White Chapel in London again. Here's a perfect example. I went to Erik's house for dinner one night recently....the guy can cook, what can I say...he wasnt fat without a reason.....but he made this great rice using vanilla, and it had a certain smell to it. When I took a bite I looked at him and said "Dude, this tastes like Scary Tales" "Yeah, the part with Hansel and Gretel" He knew what I was talking about! And had you gone, and eaten the rice...and DRANK YOUR MILKSHAKE......you would have too. Thats the key to it all. If you could get people all around the world into Horror Nights and then cooked them vanilla rice I think you could end the fighting around the world....beause they would all be thinking of Scary Tales. It's a beautiful thing. So go to Halloween Horror Nights, visit AwesomeBadness.com where I write and listen to the ABIS where I host with Erik and listen to In The Loop. It's all a good time. Stay Groovy.
Ever notice how I'm starting to slack? Yeah, me too. I need to stop that. So this week I'm going to tell you ten things about Florida. I've lived here my whole life (off and on) and have seen many things. I know a few things that you may not, and have some observances. Some of them good, some of them bad. Most of them have to do with Theme Parks, but a lot do not. Yeah, its basically a bitch fest.
10.The Evil Empire- Most of us around here know Disney as the Evil Empire, simply because of the strain that it has put not only on the locals, but also the environment, and yes the economy. Disney does grant wishes, it is a great place, and it pulls in so many tourists, and in fact Orlando wouldnt be the great place it is without Disney...but what makes it seem so evil?
The fact that they destroyed over 47 square miles of wetlands and is part of the reason the Everglades is in such bad shape is one. Another is the fact that they seem to be above the law by manipulating the Reedy Creek Improvement District into a state recognized governing jurisdiction. What does that mean? That means what happens in Disney stays in Disney...or mostly it does. They do have to abide by Orange County rules, but they get away with a lot of crooked stuff because of their little city, such as not having to pay as many fines, permit fees or inspections as other areas in the greater Orlando area. Also it is one of the biggest money makers in the world! But one of the worst places to work because of low pay, and the somewhat dictatorship that is Disney management, add ontop of that a bunch of dumb tourists and you have a group of overworked, underpaid, aggrevated workers who cant stand their jobs. On the economic front, Disney has killed so many family owned attractions in and around Orlando that it deserves the death sentence. But it's done a lot of good too, especially for the theme park community and for charities such as Give Kids The World. It's a neccesary evil unfortunately.
9. America's Wang-It's a scientific fact. Shit rolls down hill, and comes to rest at the bottom. Florida is at the bottom of the U.S. and we get the scum of the Earth. Rapists, murderers, rip off artists, perverts and politicians. It seems like a week cant go buy without Florida being in the national news for something. The latest saw a lady who reported her daughter missing 5 weeks after she was actually missing, and on top of that they found the "smell of death" hair and blood in her trunk. Her father said it wasnt the kid, but someone else....jesus christ on a pogo stick.....
Then there's the super wacko's such as the "Orlando Metro Mommies" who are trying to protest the billboards for HHN because "they're scary for kids". No shit. It's a haunted event and not meant for anyone under 16.
And dont even get me started on the 2000 Presidential Election, and it's looking like it's going to be a repeat this year.
8.We're Going to Need a Bigger Boat-"OH MY GOD THERE'S A SHARK IN THE WATER!" No fucking shit! It's the OCEAN!!! Since 1882 until 2005 there has been 577 confirmed unprovoked shark attacks in Florida. Of those 577, 13 have been fatal. Thats less than 10 percent people! You have more of a chance of getting hit by lightning on a clear day than to get bit by a shark, which is really amazing seeing that at any given time there are over 1 million people in the water in the state of Florida. No, the reasons that people get bit by sharks are because that people, not sharks are stupid. You see little fish swimming really fast in the waves, and the water is really murky and yet you still go in. Dont you know what prey evading a predator looks like? Most of the reasons people get bit are a case of mistaken identity.They chase little fish and your foot gets in the way, and boom....it feels like a hammer hit you. Ontop of that, you get rowdy and bounce around, much like sick fish do. Go in the water people, but be aware you're in someone else's house.
7.For Love of the Games-The undefeated 72 Dolphins. The Tampa Bay Buccaneers, The Jacksonville Jaguars, Miami Heat, Orlando Magic, Tampa Bay Lightning, Florida Panthers, Tampa Bay Devil Rays, Florida Marlins, and a buttload of College Football. We are home to a lot of great sports. It's a paradise no matter where you live, and what you like.
6.Newly Wed and Nearly Dead-So you just got married, you're looking to start a family, and you want to be some place warm. Move to Florida! Til you realize that the school systems suck, there arent a bunch of jobs, crime is high, and it's always fucking hot! So you move back home. Then you retire, and hey....It's too cold, so lets move to Florida, it's always fucking hot! Because of that the roads are flooded with Blue Hairs that drift in and out of traffic, and clog up the roadways. The good news is that the Early Bird Specials end at 7, and the resturaunts clear out. The Bad news....so does everything else.
5.Everything is Better in New York-Kind of hand in hand with number 6, we have more immigrants from New York, or Yankees than natives any more. And things are different here. They really are. We live a slower pace than most places. Sure Miami, Orlando and Jacksonville are big and fast, but they dont move from one big city to the next, no, they want quieter and smaller. So they find the quietest town they can, and settle down. The good is that it promotes growth, brings in jobs, but nothing is good enough. Food is better up home, schools are better up home, and dammit the people are nicer. No shit, all the rude people left and came here! I have a lot of New York friends, and individually they're good people....but as a whole...GO HOME YANKEES!
4.Under Construction-The sign coming into Florida on the highway should read "Welcome to Florida: Construction the next 481 miles". Houses, theme parks, and most of all roads, everything is under construction. Harry Potter has IOA tore slap up, a new coaster has Sea World shot to hell, everywhere on 95 there are lane closures, and though the housing market has slowed, people are still building new houses, condos and apartments. The good side to that is that because the area that I live in was the fastest growing for 4 years in a row, in the country, and now its not, the houses here are really dirt cheap. We're seeing prices now lower than when I bought my house ten years ago. And if you're in one of these wonderfully high mortgage programs like I am, you can actually rent a HOUSE for about 750 a month. Not really a bad move. 3.There's a Storm Comin!-Hey Pat McCabe...kiss my ass. Hurricanes are a way of life down here, and some years are busier than others. The Hurricane season runs from June 1, to November 30th. The peak of the season is from August 1st to October 20th. The past 5 years my area alone has seen six storms pass directly through us. "It's a storm with wind and rain, big deal you fuckin winer." It is a big deal. Everytime a storm passes through we have to shutter up the windows, and make sure our hurricane supplies are stocked. Shutters keep the windows from being pushed in, and make sure the roof doesnt come off. Supplies consist of batteries, water, and food for upto 10 days. Why? Because the power can be off for that long. 2004 we had Hurricane Frances, a small Cat 1 storm that took 36 hours to move across the area. Thats 36 hours of rain, 100 miles per hour winds, and generally bad conditions. Three weeks later, to the very minute Hurricane Jean came through in the exact same spot. Jean was a Cat 3. We lost part of the roof, the shed, the back porch, and had the already soaked streets flooded some more. Whats more, we had just gotten power back 3 days earlier. Thats right, we were with out power for 18 days. Not fun. So if it seems that I get a little uppity about storms, and we've had 4 come close to hitting us, one of which that did already this year, please understand...storms suck and cause nothing but headaches. On top of all that, it has a negative/positive impact on the parks. They have to close early to prepare. Lots of parks have Halloween events coming, and that means props set up outside....those are either gone or get destroyed. Positive, is that people see incoming storms and scatter. The parks this weekend are dead because of Hurricane Ike, and its not even going to hit us! 2.Hidden Florida-Journey away from Orlando and you'll find a beauty here that no one ever talks about. After all, Florida is the spanish word for Flower. The beaches are gorgeous with some of the best fishing, and diving in the world. Surfing is great, but on some of the worlds most difficult waves to surf. We are home to St. Augustine, the oldest city in the Country....suck on that VA. Because it's so old, it's home to some of the greatest ghost stories ever told. We have animals here that you cant find too many other places, and you're likely to see them on the side of the road....mostly squished....but you will see them. We are also home to some of the biggest shit holes in the world....but thats alright too. BGT is right in the middle of Tampa's Ghetto. Gorgeous African animals on one side of the wall....and crack heads on the other. The Florida Everglades is such a quietly eerie place, you need to see it to believe it. You can go for 3 days in either direction down there and not see a single person. Of course you may run into the Skunk Ape, but that rarely happens. If you come here during spring break you'll find the most hedonistic behavior this side of the Big Easy. Titties, and beer...great combination. 1.It's Just Better Than Where You Live-For all the faults and all the bad stuff that goes on, Florida is Paradise. We have the greatest theme parks, probably in the world in one area, we have the space program, we have great beaches, and great animals. The party scene here is second to none, and we have some of the richest people in the world call Florida home. Old people and convicts come here for the same reason that I stay here....it's just better. Our parks stay open year round. When you're jonesing for a coaster, I'm dropping that shit on Sheikra. When you're shoveling snow out of your driveway, I'm pushing through tourists at Disney World. When you're bundled up singing Christmas Carols, I'm walking around in shorts with The Grinch. So for all the bad and the great, there's no other way to say it. For me, Florida is home. Til next time.......suck on that.
Dropped and Exposed is a candid weekly article about the theme park world, and everything in it. I'm an avid park lover, coaster enthusiast and fat guy.
