Dropped and Exposed

A Haunt Freaks Lament

2008-11-01T07:49:00.000-07:00

November 1st. This is the time of year that I hate the most. It's like watching the woman you love drive away for a long trip home and you knowing that not only will you not see her again for a year, but you wont be having sex, think of anything else, or even touch yourself for a good seven months. Yeah, its hard.

So lets take a look back at what I'll miss.

First thing I'll miss about my beloved haunt season is the smell of her hair....that is to say the fog that rolls out from out of nowhere and blankets the events, it wraps itself around you and kisses your face, sometimes choking you but god does it feel good. Its the sign of a great haunt, the way that it blankets around an event, making it almost impossible for you to know which way is up.

Next I'll miss her face, how beautiful it is, and the way she peers into my soul....which is to say that every event has a different layout, and a way of transforming a park, a zoo, a building, a parking lot. Every single great haunt will penetrate you deeply in some way or form.

Her touch, the way she effects every single facet of your thinking and effects the way you think when you're ar

ound her. Thats self explanatory...you love your haunts, and you love being there.

So in short, goodbye my love. I hope to see you again sooner than not, I love you, and will dream of you every time I close my eyes.

Wow....that is waaaaay too loving for a haunt isnt it. Good god, I need help.

What did you do for Halloween? Me I went trick r treating.

I was two face for Halloween, and it was my first attempt at some good ole fashioned latex make-up. I also shared the love with my son who wanted to be the demented Joker from Dark Knight.

Latex is really fickle, and its fun to work with, but you have to have a level of patience that I simply dont have. I took almost an hour to do the make up that I did, but thats from shaving my head all the way to getting dressed. It was cheap to do, did the whole thing for under 20 bucks, and it did turn some heads. My favorite was going into a liquor store in make up and just getting the looks of sheer panic as I slid my bottle of vodka on the counter. It was even better going to Wal Mart after I stripped the latex off...which I should have done in the store, which left me with half a shaved head and strips of red and black make up everywhere. It looked like I got my ass kicked hard. Some lady just stared at me like she was trying to figure me out.

"Yeah, you should've seen me with the make up on."

"Huh?"

Idiots are fun. Fucking with them is more fun.

So today I'll be going back to Halloween Horror Nights for one final time to say Good Bye to Bloody Mary, and tomorrow I start working on the haunt video....what else am I going to do? My reason for breathing is gone!

So until next time, keep your pants on.......scaredy cats.

It's Disney's Fault We Have Emo Kids

2008-10-19T08:48:00.000-07:00

In 1993 I took my little sister to see a Disney animated film only it wasnt like any other Disney animated film she had been to. It was dark, it was a little demented, and it was really different from the other films in the Disney library. The animation was an old style once used by the great Ray Harryhausen. It left a deep and lasting impact on me. Recently I picked up not only the 15th anniversary edition of the film on DVD but also an odd CD.

Nightmare Revisited is a collection of the original music done by today's artists. You have Marilyn Manson doing "This is Halloween" and othe bands such as The Plain White Tee's and Rise Against doing other songs. Some of them hit the mark and not only capture the spirit of the movie, but shows the influence the movie had on the bands.

You dont really realize how dark and odd the songs really are until you hear a guy dressed in black lipstick with black eyeliner whining out hte lyrics.

First a little review

Overall, I dont like this new type of "rock". I call it bitch rock. The guys whine out all the lyrics and it really all sounds the same. The CD is filled with it to the brim. Most of the songs are done in the way the bands signature style but its really nothing too original and nothing really out of the ordinary. Most of the bands do the songs in ways that makes them almost unrecognizable such as the "Town Meeting" song done by Polyphonic Spree. Others are good, but not what you want out of them such as the Oogie Boogie Song....its done completely by Spanish accoustic guitars...talk about out of place.

But the biggest surprises are from Marilyn Manson, Korn and Amy Lee. "This is Halloween" was really a natural fit for Marilyn Manson as its really a dark song to begin with. Add Mansons dark screaming voice and his nasty beats....and wow, it just stands out. My favorite song has to be Korns "Kidnap the Sandy Claws". From the first opening of the "La la la" I was hooked with it. Korn took the song, and had fun with it. Its apparent and its great. Even Amy Lee being her normal sad and depressed form is really great with Sally's song.
Nightmare=EMO
I dont know what EMO means. I really dont, I only know that the EMO kids are a lot the Goths from when I was growing up, only they all like the same things and arent into the whole death is the only release thing. EMO's are dark and happy. Why? I dont know....but they like to whine about how bad their life sucks even though they have a million bucks. I dont know....but listening to Nightmare Revisited I realized that it was this movie that made these kids the way they are. Things are dark and depressed, and happy in the end. Its bad, just not that bad and it will all work out in the end. It's funny really. The individuality of being a "goth" is lost with this generation, and the open ended consumerism that Disney represents is embraced with open arms with a movie like Nightmare. The darkness appeals to them, and nevermind the fact that everyone else is doing it. Back when I was a kid when this movie came out, it wasnt a huge success so we were different for knowing all the words and loving it like we did.
It's really ironic if you think about it, how these kids claim to be just like everyone else, yet they all follow the adventures and embrace the tale of a Skeleton looking for something different.
Thats all I got.....
Til next time keep your pants on.....pumpkin smashers.

The Hypocrisy of Parenthood and Coasters

2008-10-10T07:24:00.001-07:00

It's a wonder that any of us survives what our parents put us through. As kids we are at our parents every beckon call and whim. We only eat when they say we can, we only do what they say we can do, and we go where they go. It's not really that fair honestly. But the wonders of being a kid are endless. Everything is bigger, everything is really kind of new, and everything is really scary. So as parents we've got to kind of remember this.

Case in point: I took my kids to Halloween Horror Nights last week. Both of them. This goes against just about everything I've ever said about Halloween Horror Nights and kids. I've always said kids don't belong at HHN, it's scary as hell, sexual as hell and overall just not a kid friendly environment. And frankly I was right.

As many of you know, I dont like to do much without my kids, we are a family and treat each outing as such. We are typical in the fact that we try to schedule just as much for the little one as we do for us three thrill seekers. Usually we spend a lot of time in many kids zones and coasters and because of it, I have a vast knowledge of just about everything having to do with parks. I know every nook and cranny of Universal, IOA, all the Disney Parks, BGT and Sea World. We do enough to keep everyone happy, in short.

Now its been like this as the kids have grown taller, and closer to the height requirements. We dont pressure them into riding anything. No, no pressure.....how ever we make it sound as fun as hell, and something that you'll need to ride when you get big enough. This has worked for my son and has turned him into an all out freak. It's even started working for my daughter who at the age of 7 is making her way to that magic 54 inch mark. Right now she's just about 51 which will open her up for a bunch of stuff, but she's not ready for a lot of it. She's just not a go getter when it comes to coasters. And as I recognize this, I tend to be her defender as my wife and mostly my son try to push her into going on rides like Tower of Terror and Rockin Roller Coaster. I usually stay behind and we watch the on ride photos and the coasters whiz by. A lot of times she is suffice to watch, other times she swallows her fear and jumps on in headfirst.

This was the case with Halloween Horror Nights.

For the past few months...lets face it...I've been talking about it. All haunt fans do. We get all excited about it, and we let it dominate our souls. This year was no exception. My wife and I have been gone the past two weekends, which leaves the kiddies feeling a little left out. Cant blame them. They've been inundated with pics and video of the event. So much so that Maddy has been saying "I want to see Bloody Mary".

This past Thursday my wife called her bluff. We went to the event. My son, was a nervous wreck, asking all manners of questions and making us promise we werent going to make him go in any houses unless he wanted to. We assured him we wouldnt. Our daughter was another story, chanting bloody mary into the mirror and getting excited for Bill and Ted quoting lines from the movies all the way up to the park. When we got there, however, the tides turned. We could see the worried giddyness in Clifton's eyes as he watched the people screaming into the front gate. Hordes of characters flocking around every single guest as they entered. It was great.

The same was not so for my daughter. Maddy went almost catatonic. Her face was white, she stood stiff and rigid, not able to speak much. We asked time and time again, "You sure you want to go in?"

"Yeah, yeah I wanna see Bloody Mary."

So in we went. We no sooner get into the first scare zone before she showed her true panic. I'm not going into full detail here.....but I do here.

So her and I, after some discussion turned around and left the park...leaving my son with a panic look on his face that said dad wasnt going to be there to protect him as he and his mom toured the rest of the haunt.

Maddy and I ate instead and talked about things. "Dad they freaked me out"

"I know darlin, but you know thats what they're supposed to do."

"Why?"

"It's their job to scare people. You go in there to get scared."

"Well, I dont like to be scared."

The heart melted. What had I done? Have I permenantly scarred this child and ruined any scary experience for her? Hardly, we walked over to IOA and she asked if she was tall enough to ride Dr. Doom...she was, and she pushed people out of the way to ride for the first time. It was a shock to see this little imp of a child excited about something she was terrified to ride just three weeks earlier. She wasnt ready to see her fears reflected, but she was ready to face some other little fears.

So point to this? Kids will go at their own pace. If you show a love for something, theres a good chance they will too, just to gain your acceptance and approval. Show it regardless if they go on a coaster, haunt or not.

Now my son? Did he like Horror Nights?

You tell me:

Discuss the irresponsibility on the forums.

Til next time......keep your pants on.......there's kids present...ya perve.

An Obsession: Halloween Horror Nights

2008-10-04T06:15:00.000-07:00

This week, since it's been a while, I've decided to hand over the reigns to my pal Crazy Scott. He's on the ABIS with me, and recently was able to attend the HalloweenHorror Nights Media event thanks to Clint and the Coaster Crew. He's a little off beat at times, but completely honest and pure. So, Scott all yours.
Hey Everyone! So Halloween Horror Nights is pretty huge. I've been going for years, since I was in the first grade pretty much. This year was being billed as the biggest and baddest that they've ever had. In some parts it lived up to the hype, in others, not so much. But more than that it really etched itself into me more than a lot of people can imagine. This year's theme is "Reflections of Fear" and Bloody Mary is the Icon who drags you through the mirror and into her world. It all starts with the front gate. A huge mirror hangs above it and clips of Mary just roll past you until....BWA....She drags you in.
As soon as you walk into the park you're greeted by "mirror" people....kind of lame. It's supposed to be a scarezone, but its not really. There's nothing really here except for the few scareactors walking around, and thats about it. When you get into the park, however, you face a choice....straight or right. If you go straight you run smack dab into the middle of "Path of the Wicked" left and you're in Asylum in Wonderland. Both really great zones. And thats what Universal really concentrated on this year, scare zones. All are really great, some not too big, but they offer some really great scares. Lets take a look at these first two.
Path of the Wicked
So Dorothy is dead, the queen won. All the characters have taken on an evil personality. The queen sits from up high blasting fireballs as you pass. Flying monkey's go swooping over head. Simply freaking amazing zone. There's not much in the way of scenerey going on here, but you have all kinds of characters walking around. The cowardly lion drank a whole bunch of courage and is out to kick your ass! The tin man has cut off his hand and replaced it with an axe and is going to get a heart anyway he can, and the scarecrow is walking around on stilts leaning down to eat your brain.
Asylum in Wonderland
It's an all night rave! Quick get me some glowsticks!!! Drop some EX...This is another great zone with things just going nuts. The white rabbit is late as hell and he's pissed. Alice is running around eating people. All your favorite characters are insane...well more so than normal. If you ask me, its' not much of a stretch from the books...as the author most likely wrote them on LSD or some kind of mind altering drug. And thats exactly what you get....the world you know flipped on it's ear. A very merry un-birthday indeed.
Skoolhouse
Now this one is really cool. 400 Jack-o-Lanterns and a school set up in the middle of the place, complete with a bus, a playground and kids walking around trick or treating. I loved this it created such atmosphere.

I'm not going to go all into the houses, except to say that there was 8 of them, and that Dead Exposure was my all time favorite. It's a strobe house, and you're in a picture during a zombie invasion. Really great concept, great follow through and lots of scares.
Bill and Ted wasnt as good as it was in the past, it felt like they just tried too hard to top themselves and just kept missing the mark. They also went with a bunch of jokes that kind of crossed the line(Die Joker! Too late). That was opening weekend though, and it has gotten a lot better.
Overall the event was really good. It seems like they always tend to give you one or another...either the houses are really good and the streets are non existent, or its the other way around. Last year the houses were AMAZING, this year they're good. Last year the streets were gone, this year they were IN YO FACE CHIEF. But overall a lot of fun.
On another hand, I've listened to In The Loop once, and it seems that you guys just dont really get it. Sure you love your coasters and you love the parks, but you just dont seem to be that into a good haunt. There's nothing wrong with that, but its sad. I think it's because you guys dont really have a great one at a park near you. I'm sure the ones you have are good.....but none of them are great. Here we have the best, and one of the better(Howl O Scream Tampa). And yeah, I know there's a Howl O Scream in Virginia, but its not really the same is it? Ours features two slutty tore up faceless bitches, yours....a guy with a pumpkin head. I know pumpkin heads....just look at Erik Yates...that guys head is HUGE! But he's not scary. There are also things that cater to kids.....haunts for kids are fine, but not for adults. We want in your face scares, thrills and details. We want stuff so insane that it eats at your soul for the next 11 months that its gone. We want sex!!! For Halloween too! We all know that Halloween has gone from a kids holiday to the worlds sluttiest candy party...thats because as kids we grew up, and we made it what we want...and what we want is slutty witches and whore versions of princesses.
But a great haunt truly penetrates you and makes you think of nothing else. When you see some first glimpses of it, you're awe-struck. Better than Christmas. Your gift is seeing the world that they create come to life around you. It gets in you and eats at you.
Thats what HHN at Universal does. It never leaves. You smell something and it takes you back. You hear something and you're in the middle of a house from years past. You go somewhere and walk down a street and expect to have someone jump out at you. I'll never be able to go to White Chapel in London again.
Here's a perfect example. I went to Erik's house for dinner one night recently....the guy can cook, what can I say...he wasnt fat without a reason.....but he made this great rice using vanilla, and it had a certain smell to it. When I took a bite I looked at him and said "Dude, this tastes like Scary Tales"
"Yeah, the part with Hansel and Gretel" He knew what I was talking about! And had you gone, and eaten the rice...and DRANK YOUR MILKSHAKE......you would have too. Thats the key to it all. If you could get people all around the world into Horror Nights and then cooked them vanilla rice I think you could end the fighting around the world....beause they would all be thinking of Scary Tales. It's a beautiful thing.
So go to Halloween Horror Nights, visit AwesomeBadness.com where I write and listen to the ABIS where I host with Erik and listen to In The Loop. It's all a good time. Stay Groovy.

10 Things About Florida

2008-09-05T15:40:00.000-07:00

Ever notice how I'm starting to slack? Yeah, me too. I need to stop that. So this week I'm going to tell you ten things about Florida. I've lived here my whole life (off and on) and have seen many things. I know a few things that you may not, and have some observances. Some of them good, some of them bad. Most of them have to do with Theme Parks, but a lot do not. Yeah, its basically a bitch fest.

10.The Evil Empire- Most of us around here know Disney as the Evil Empire, simply because of the strain that it has put not only on the locals, but also the environment, and yes the economy. Disney does grant wishes, it is a great place, and it pulls in so many tourists, and in fact Orlando wouldnt be the great place it is without Disney...but what makes it seem so evil?

The fact that they destroyed over 47 square miles of wetlands and is part of the reason the Everglades is in such bad shape is one. Another is the fact that they seem to be above the law by manipulating the Reedy Creek Improvement District into a state recognized governing jurisdiction. What does that mean? That means what happens in Disney stays in Disney...or mostly it does. They do have to abide by Orange County rules, but they get away with a lot of crooked stuff because of their little city, such as not having to pay as many fines, permit fees or inspections as other areas in the greater Orlando area. Also it is one of the biggest money makers in the world! But one of the worst places to work because of low pay, and the somewhat dictatorship that is Disney management, add ontop of that a bunch of dumb tourists and you have a group of overworked, underpaid, aggrevated workers who cant stand their jobs. On the economic front, Disney has killed so many family owned attractions in and around Orlando that it deserves the death sentence. But it's done a lot of good too, especially for the theme park community and for charities such as Give Kids The World. It's a neccesary evil unfortunately.

9. America's Wang-It's a scientific fact. Shit rolls down hill, and comes to rest at the bottom. Florida is at the bottom of the U.S. and we get the scum of the Earth. Rapists, murderers, rip off artists, perverts and politicians. It seems like a week cant go buy without Florida being in the national news for something. The latest saw a lady who reported her daughter missing 5 weeks after she was actually missing, and on top of that they found the "smell of death" hair and blood in her trunk. Her father said it wasnt the kid, but someone else....jesus christ on a pogo stick.....

Then there's the super wacko's such as the "Orlando Metro Mommies" who are trying to protest the billboards for HHN because "they're scary for kids". No shit. It's a haunted event and not meant for anyone under 16.

And dont even get me started on the 2000 Presidential Election, and it's looking like it's going to be a repeat this year.

8.We're Going to Need a Bigger Boat-"OH MY GOD THERE'S A SHARK IN THE WATER!" No fucking shit! It's the OCEAN!!! Since 1882 until 2005 there has been 577 confirmed unprovoked shark attacks in Florida. Of those 577, 13 have been fatal. Thats less than 10 percent people! You have more of a chance of getting hit by lightning on a clear day than to get bit by a shark, which is really amazing seeing that at any given time there are over 1 million people in the water in the state of Florida. No, the reasons that people get bit by sharks are because that people, not sharks are stupid. You see little fish swimming really fast in the waves, and the water is really murky and yet you still go in. Dont you know what prey evading a predator looks like? Most of the reasons people get bit are a case of mistaken identity.They chase little fish and your foot gets in the way, and boom....it feels like a hammer hit you. Ontop of that, you get rowdy and bounce around, much like sick fish do. Go in the water people, but be aware you're in someone else's house.

7.For Love of the Games-The undefeated 72 Dolphins. The Tampa Bay Buccaneers, The Jacksonville Jaguars, Miami Heat, Orlando Magic, Tampa Bay Lightning, Florida Panthers, Tampa Bay Devil Rays, Florida Marlins, and a buttload of College Football. We are home to a lot of great sports. It's a paradise no matter where you live, and what you like.

6.Newly Wed and Nearly Dead-So you just got married, you're looking to start a family, and you want to be some place warm. Move to Florida! Til you realize that the school systems suck, there arent a bunch of jobs, crime is high, and it's always fucking hot! So you move back home. Then you retire, and hey....It's too cold, so lets move to Florida, it's always fucking hot! Because of that the roads are flooded with Blue Hairs that drift in and out of traffic, and clog up the roadways. The good news is that the Early Bird Specials end at 7, and the resturaunts clear out. The Bad news....so does everything else.

5.Everything is Better in New York-Kind of hand in hand with number 6, we have more immigrants from New York, or Yankees than natives any more. And things are different here. They really are. We live a slower pace than most places. Sure Miami, Orlando and Jacksonville are big and fast, but they dont move from one big city to the next, no, they want quieter and smaller. So they find the quietest town they can, and settle down. The good is that it promotes growth, brings in jobs, but nothing is good enough. Food is better up home, schools are better up home, and dammit the people are nicer. No shit, all the rude people left and came here! I have a lot of New York friends, and individually they're good people....but as a whole...GO HOME YANKEES!

4.Under Construction-The sign coming into Florida on the highway should read "Welcome to Florida: Construction the next 481 miles". Houses, theme parks, and most of all roads, everything is under construction. Harry Potter has IOA tore slap up, a new coaster has Sea World shot to hell, everywhere on 95 there are lane closures, and though the housing market has slowed, people are still building new houses, condos and apartments. The good side to that is that because the area that I live in was the fastest growing for 4 years in a row, in the country, and now its not, the houses here are really dirt cheap. We're seeing prices now lower than when I bought my house ten years ago. And if you're in one of these wonderfully high mortgage programs like I am, you can actually rent a HOUSE for about 750 a month. Not really a bad move.
3.There's a Storm Comin!-Hey Pat McCabe...kiss my ass. Hurricanes are a way of life down here, and some years are busier than others. The Hurricane season runs from June 1, to November 30th. The peak of the season is from August 1st to October 20th. The past 5 years my area alone has seen six storms pass directly through us. "It's a storm with wind and rain, big deal you fuckin winer." It is a big deal. Everytime a storm passes through we have to shutter up the windows, and make sure our hurricane supplies are stocked. Shutters keep the windows from being pushed in, and make sure the roof doesnt come off. Supplies consist of batteries, water, and food for upto 10 days. Why? Because the power can be off for that long. 2004 we had Hurricane Frances, a small Cat 1 storm that took 36 hours to move across the area. Thats 36 hours of rain, 100 miles per hour winds, and generally bad conditions. Three weeks later, to the very minute Hurricane Jean came through in the exact same spot. Jean was a Cat 3. We lost part of the roof, the shed, the back porch, and had the already soaked streets flooded some more. Whats more, we had just gotten power back 3 days earlier. Thats right, we were with out power for 18 days. Not fun. So if it seems that I get a little uppity about storms, and we've had 4 come close to hitting us, one of which that did already this year, please understand...storms suck and cause nothing but headaches. On top of all that, it has a negative/positive impact on the parks. They have to close early to prepare. Lots of parks have Halloween events coming, and that means props set up outside....those are either gone or get destroyed. Positive, is that people see incoming storms and scatter. The parks this weekend are dead because of Hurricane Ike, and its not even going to hit us!
2.Hidden Florida-Journey away from Orlando and you'll find a beauty here that no one ever talks about. After all, Florida is the spanish word for Flower. The beaches are gorgeous with some of the best fishing, and diving in the world. Surfing is great, but on some of the worlds most difficult waves to surf. We are home to St. Augustine, the oldest city in the Country....suck on that VA. Because it's so old, it's home to some of the greatest ghost stories ever told. We have animals here that you cant find too many other places, and you're likely to see them on the side of the road....mostly squished....but you will see them. We are also home to some of the biggest shit holes in the world....but thats alright too. BGT is right in the middle of Tampa's Ghetto. Gorgeous African animals on one side of the wall....and crack heads on the other. The Florida Everglades is such a quietly eerie place, you need to see it to believe it. You can go for 3 days in either direction down there and not see a single person. Of course you may run into the Skunk Ape, but that rarely happens. If you come here during spring break you'll find the most hedonistic behavior this side of the Big Easy. Titties, and beer...great combination.
1.It's Just Better Than Where You Live-For all the faults and all the bad stuff that goes on, Florida is Paradise. We have the greatest theme parks, probably in the world in one area, we have the space program, we have great beaches, and great animals. The party scene here is second to none, and we have some of the richest people in the world call Florida home. Old people and convicts come here for the same reason that I stay here....it's just better. Our parks stay open year round. When you're jonesing for a coaster, I'm dropping that shit on Sheikra. When you're shoveling snow out of your driveway, I'm pushing through tourists at Disney World. When you're bundled up singing Christmas Carols, I'm walking around in shorts with The Grinch. So for all the bad and the great, there's no other way to say it. For me, Florida is home.
Til next time.......suck on that.

Cuz I've Got A Golden Ticket!

2008-09-03T18:10:00.000-07:00

How on Earth can something based on something so wonderful be full of anger and hate? No, it wasnt Shrek the Third...the Golden Ticket Awards were released this week. It's put on by Amusement Today, but I dont need to tell you about it, you know already, and chances are you're pissed.
Here are some of the winners:
Best Amusement ParkCedar Point, Sandusky, Ohio
Best WaterparkSchlitterbahn Waterpark Resort, New Braunfels, Texas
Best Children’s ParkLegoland California, Carlsbad, Calif.
Best Marine Life ParkSeaWorld Orlando, Orlando, Fla.
Best Wooden CoasterThe Voyage at Holiday World, Santa Claus, Ind.
Best Halloween EventHalloween Horror Nights at Universal Orlando, Orlando, Fla.
Personally, good for the parks that win it. They deserve it. But you have to question the choices of some of the winners. They are the same winners year after year. Why?
Do they just excel at being what they are? Do they keep putting things in year after year after year that keeps them above the rest? I dont think so....I think there is a little bribery going on. And really I think the thing is rigged. Why? Think of it. Who benefits from having the "best" awarded to their park? The park....its all about the numbers.
Really Cedar Point as best park? It's not pretty, its not themed, it has coasters and a lot of them. Is that all they judge a park on? It's stupid! I'm sure its fun, I'm sure you guys have a blast on all of the coasters....but really if thats all you expect from a park, then you need to get to some better parks.
Dollywood was amazing, It got some props, but not a lot. Best Wooden Coaster, The Voyage. I've never been on it, so I cant say, but everyone tells me how rough it is. To me that does not make a good coaster.
And the list goes on and on, Best Sea Life Park...Sea World Orlando.....well no shit, it's just about the only sea life park, besides the other 2 sea world parks...oh wait, they got 2nd and 3rd place.
Best Halloween Event, Halloween Horror Nights......here's where I need to tread lightly. I've been to a lot of horror events. HHN in orlando, HOS in tampa, Phobia in both Cypress Gardens and Wild Adventure, Fright Nights in Ohio, not mention a bunch of local haunts from Atlanta all the way to Miami.
I like haunted events. They're a ton of fun. But I what I've been to in relation to theme parks is limited. I've never been to Knotts, and I dont really want to go to HHN in Hollywood. Out of the haunts that I've been to in parks, HHN in Orlando is the best. Last year was amazing. The detail that goes into it, the scareactors that partake in it are second to none. The imagination is unreal, and quite frankly its one of the best haunts I've ever been to, with the exclusion of Fright Nights in Dayton...freaked me out.
Now this award is deserved. (FUCK YOU IN THE LOOP STAFF! YES I TALK ABOUT IT ALL THE TIME FOR A REASON!) And there are others that are deserved as well. Best new ride, Ravine Flyer 2...heard its amazing.
But I guess the point of my rant here is that while they do name some well deserved names the Tickets are really just a smoke and mirrors gag. They have you looking at the big award while they're shoveling you in the park. Some of these parks desperately need the Golden Ticket...parks like Cedar Point, and Waldameer Park....parks people would never hear of outside of their region.
Is it a case of fanboys getting their day? Sure it is, but lets not forget that while the parks use this to get people in, the few fanboy picks kind of overshadow the real accomplishments that some parks get.
What does surprise me is the fact that Disney doesnt get a lot of awards. It gets some, and some honorable mentions, but honestly...I would think that it gets more. No I have no love for Disney, I'm a Universal fanboy through and through...and I wont give you a list of what I think should have won...we dont need a list of Universal rides.....but even I have to say that it deserves some of the awards such as.....okay, so I cant bring myself to personally name any of the fucking awards...it's just not in me, but even I know in my heart it deserves some more credit than they get. But in the same breathe, Disney isnt going to buy its way onto a list, is it? It's not like they have a problem getting visitors.
Take what you want from this convoluted entry Droppers.....but you can keep your Golden Ticket, I have something much better:

Til next time, keep your pants on ya bunch of gits.
Show me your love on the boards.

Declassified Park Survival Guide: BG Tampfrica

2008-08-24T00:01:00.000-07:00

So a few weeks back I put together the survival guide for the Studios. At the end I promised a look at Islands of Adventure (IOA to the initiated). I have a problem with that for a big reason. Harry Potter. I love IOA, probably one of my favorite parks ever but it's really ceasing to be what I loved. The Lost Continent is all but dead, sure Dragons is still there, and Sindbad is still there, but for how long? They're going to change it, having already ripped out a fixture of the land, the Enchanted Oak, and closing the Flying Unicorn. So quite frankly not having that land it's kind of unfair to have a complete guide if you dont have the complete park.

On the other hand, I have recently re-discovered a park that I dont get to go to much because of the distance it is away from me, that of course being Busch Gardens Tampa...Africa...Dark....how about we call it BG Tampfrica.
Busch Gardens is a 335 acre African wonderland nestled in the East side of Tampa Bay. It was opened in 1959 as a free admission hospitality center for the brewery that used to be onsite there. Originally known for free beer and its tropical gardens where animals roamed free, Busch Gardens Tampfrica is now known as the coaster capital of Florida with six distinctly different coasters, a huge animal habitat and of course free beer.

Get a good start:

Of course like at all parks the key to doing the whole park is to get a very early start. At least a half hour before the park opens, if not sooner, should guarantee at least two hours of no lines. If you can do so, get the preferred parking, it takes you about a half a mile closer to the front gate and you dont have to get on the tram. Besides getting to do the rides with no lines the other distinct advantage is that this is an animal park and animals are early risers. We've gotten a few gator teeth from the people cleaning the gator pond, to being able to feed giraffes to even watching apes....spank the monkey, just from being there early. As the day lingers on and gets hotter, and it will, the animals tend to find shade and get lazy not making appearances as often.

The Coasters:
Most of you want to ride. Thats why we love to go to the parks, its not for the animals...its for the rides. So here's the best way to get all six coasters in before the lines hit. The order really matters. First stop is Gwazi, the GCI wooden half lion/half tiger/half traction accident. It's located to the left of the park entrance. You can manage to get not only front row rides on this but front row rides on both trains before you get any wait. Height limit is 48 inches so little kids cant ride, and the seats are kind of tight so big asses may have a hard time.

Then double back to the complete other side of the park and hit Montu, the B&M Inverted with a huge batwing. Of course you'll be able to wait a few minutes at this point and ride front row, but really any row is good on this one. Now here's where it gets tricky....and you'll want to pay attention. Do not follow the path back around, you'll get lost. The path takes you around the Serengeti plain and back again, a giant loop to see animals....valuable time lost. Instead take the path to the Skyride. Of course you're going to fly right over Rhino Rally, Scorpion and Cheetah Chase, but honestly you can get back to those later. No, you want to go to the big ones first. The skyride gives you valuable air time so you can rest your feet, and it takes you over the crowd faster for a 3-6 minute ride instead of a 20 minute walk. From the air you'll also see loads of animals and get a good aerial view of the park. It will dump you out in the Congo section right at the mouth of Kumba...or you can wait and hit Sheikra....yeah, I'd hit it first. Run toward Sheikra and drop til you...well..drop. It doesnt matter where you sit, its a good ride, but the earlier you are the better chance you have of being slid upfront. Fat people no worries, every row has modified seating for your comfort. After Sheikra run back over towards Kumba, nestled back behind the Congo area. Kumba is a standard B&M sit down coaster, and has your standard B&M elements. At one time it was the tallest coaster in Florida....not a bit feat seeing that the tallest point is a crap little attraction called spook hill...but another story another day.

Jump off of Kumba and dash towards Timbuktu, towards the front and left of the park where you'll find Scorpion, and Cheetah Chase. Both smaller coasters, and really not worth any kind of wait, so if the lines are long...skip em...but by this time they wont be.

Non Coaster Stuffs:

Little Timmy too short? Suzy too afraid of the big scary coasters? I feel ya, unfortunately there arent too many non coaster rides at BGT. No big dark rides, nothing really for the whole family. But there are several things just for kids.

Land of Dragons is an interactive kids play ground on the West side of the park with nets, ball pits a bunch of fountains and a whole bunch of kiddie flat rides. Problem is most kids are too big for this by age 6, and cant ride any of the little stuff. There are animals along the way such as huge iguanas and Komodo Dragons.

Lory Landing is fun first thing in the morning because you can pay a little cash get a little tub of food and have birds blanket you fighting for food. I've actually had a Lory nest in my ear....yeah, its that big.

Tidal Wave is huge, and right around the same area as Sheikra. It's got a big drop and thats about it. It's a good way to get wet, and a good way to kill about 8 minutes.

Stanleyville Log Flumes is right next to Sheikra and is pretty high in capacity. It's also not as tall as Tidal Wave so little ones may like to ride better.

Congo River Rapids is huge and will soak you to the bone. It's good for getting wet and having your shoes make farting noises when you walk.

Timbuktu is home to not only Scorpion and Cheetah Chase but also many flat rides for both kids and older folks. They have the little airplanes, a scrambler and an inverter ship. Not to mention its also home to the horrific Pirates 4D attraction. To think they tore down a really good Dolphin show for this piece.

Rhino Rally is a hell of a lot of fun, and to me in the same vein as Jungle Cruise at MK with a mix of Kilimanjaro Safaris at AK. It mixes an animal tour with the smart ass commentary of Jungle Cruise and is a lot of fun. It gets long lines fast and is really not worth the wait when the water portion isnt working, but it does get you really close to the animals. Actual transcript from my last ride:

Ride Op: Okay, who can tell me what those big sweaty things are to your left?

Me: My wife?

Ride Op: (stopping the vehicle and looking at me) Did you just say your wife? Dude, you're so not getting any tonight.

They dont take their jobs seriously and it makes it a lot of fun, they also tend to stray from the script with things like "LOOK PINK CHICKENS ON STILTS!". Personality goes a long way.

There are so many different animal attractions, I'm not going to name them all, but if you want to see an animal..they have em, and will most likely have it out roaming around. We got to see a hedgehog! I'm not talking Sonic and I dont mean Ron Jeremy (though I've seen him more times than I care to).

Jungala:

Yes this area is so cool it gets its own section. Jungala is brand new, and its awesome. You not only have a bigger kids play area with a jump tower, and zip lines, but you also have the most immersive animal habitats possibly in the world. You can get face to face with Orangutangs, go under water and see Crocodiles lurking, go out in the middle of a Gibbon refuge and even crawl in a box with a tiger. Seriously, this place was worth the lack of coaster for this year. We must have spent about 2 hours staring at the tigers, from the bengal tigers to the white bengals, to moms and kittens to the tiger tug of war...it was fantastic.

The tangs, they're lazy...but again early in the morning and they're active as hell walking around the island outside and pressing the button to squirt people on the inside.

The highlight however has got to be the kids rides nestled neatly away the nooks and cranny's of the place. The Wild Surge was a blast and not crowded, as we stayed on for about ten mintues bopping up and out of the waterfall and cave. The zip lines I was naturally too fat for, but the kids loved it...though they were rather simple...out and back.

Add loads of places to eat and lots of photo ops and you have a great day at the park, lets hope that In Bev doesnt screw it up.

Til next time, keep your pants on......busch hoppers.

Talk about it on the boards.

A momentary lapse of strength

2008-08-15T16:16:00.001-07:00

As you all may know, or even if you dont, or if you dont care....I've been on a diet. Here at Coaster Crew Mr. Novak and I entered into a contest we like to call the biggest loser. The goal was to lose as much weight as safely possible. We opened to you our faithful members who also were a little too large to fit on the coasters, and some of you responded. We were supposed to have this huge great prize, and an amazing weigh in at Hard Rock Park. As with a lot of things we do, we had no follow through and Hard Rock Park cut its hours. We let you guys down. I'm sorry. I think between Clint and myself we can put together a great prize for those who stuck it out without cheating. You see, both Clint and myself have used chemicals to help us perform better. Alli, to be exact. I've had great luck with it, and no pooping in my pants. Clint? Not so lucky.
So, on we went with the great diet. I dont know what happened to Novak, but he's still in the less than 20lbs area...maybe he's over that..no idea. I, however, reached the magic number of 40lbs total weight loss today. It's a great feeling to have your pants fall off, to have women looking at you with that "come hither" look, and to be able to fit into coasters again. On top of that it's had a great side effect of looking better naked, and not waking up in pain from aching knees and back.
It's been hard. I've been exercising on a regular basis, eating healthy, cutting out all the soda, candy, fat fried foods...everything bad. Eating carrots, fruit and other vegetables. One downside to this of course was the fact I had to give up wholly fattening, but terribly delicious food such as the decadent cheeseburgers and french fries of Five Guys burgers in Vero Beach. They are a bit of a chain, but goddamn are they good. So good in fact that I frequented them enough for the manager to know me by name.
So today, for the first time in 3 months, I ventured in and walked up to the manager.
"Erik? Is that you?" he said. Let me tell ya, that feels really good.
"Yeah, how've you been?"
"I'm great! Where the hell you been, and what happened?"
"Well...been on a diet. Lost 40 lbs."
"Thats terrific! You sure you want to do this then?"
"Oh yeah."
Normally I would order a bacondouble cheeseburger, two large fries and a coke. Enough for 2 people and then some. Today....slightly less. A little cheeseburger, no mayo, onions or mushrooms, a large fry, and a bottle of water. Yeah, some splurge, but let me say its hard to in good concience slip into that eating again. I've worked so hard, and it was a battle of wills to even go in. Let me also say that I had the entire family with me, and it was a split affair with the fries. So we get our food, and I open the bag. Dear lord...I had missed that warm grease smell so much. The first bite into the burger, I almost shed a tear. It was so fucking delicious. Why is it that things that taste so good are so bad for us? I could feel my cleaned out arteries shrinking away in pain, this is the stuff heart attacks are made of.
Fries were also a no no on the diet. I made short work of them.
It's simply amazing the things you take for granted, I never would have thought these fattening, artery clogging greaseballs to be anything close to heaven sent six months ago...but you take it away for a while. Damn, it's as close to sex as I want to get with my clothes on.
Even still, as I sit here basking in the after glow of the orgasmic love of food that I once again experienced for the first time in almost three months, I feel as if I cheated on my spouse...the and betrayed the relationship that I forged with healthy living. I only hope that she can forgive me, and wont punish me too badly on the scales next week.
Til next time...I've got to get to the toilet.
-Erik

Bloody Mary or the King of Halloween?

2008-08-11T11:53:00.000-07:00

I logged onto my email today and saw a few updates from the Chainsawwolf page staring at me. "Bloody Mary makes an appearance!" Chainsawwolf is a site run by the legendary scareactor Chainsawolf who has been HHN forever, and they have the devoted followers that scour the net for any info they could get. Today, Jared from the wolf boards posted this:

"So after staring at the skull on Tab III, I saw the two figures of people in there and it reminded me of that classic optical illusion of the two people playing poker, that is also inside of a skull. Then I thought, this can't just be coincidence. So I went back and looked at Tab II and it has a very similar round > shape to Tab III, with things being places in similar spots. So I then thought, what if you stack all of the Tabs together in photoshop? I think you guys would like to see the result."

Here's the result.

Great find Jared...fucking amazing thought, something I dont have the patience for. And this is what true horror fans do...they spend every waking moment looking for some kind of clue to whats next. I guess I'm not as true blue as some...then again, horror dont pay my bills.

Halloween Horror Nights is starting to pick up full steam. Most of you really have no idea what its all about, but dont worry.....you will. I'll make sure of that, and I hope to convert at least one of the Crew into a bloodletter or goregetter. Well, what you dont know, and may not hear is what almost was. Sure, we're not 100% of what the hell to expect this year, but so far, so good. We have what looks like a lady icon, and a serious lady icon. She has the brains, she has the nerve, and most of all...she has the blood lust. She's going to be putting people into vicarious positions of danger while enjoying every minute of it, all in the name of...science....right. She was a shrink that did research on phobias and had an unorthodox way of studying them...by putting her patients into their fears and seeing how far they would go to avoid them. We dont know how they'll string all of these fears together, or how effective the good doctor will be, but we do know her name....or at least what we think her name will be....Bloody Mary.

But the one thing that you really dont know is the HHN that almost was...or is it still there? Universal has so many creative minds working for them, such as the great J. Michael Roddy (who was on In The Loop) Mike Aiello (who has excellent taste in movies...Death Proof KILLS!) And T.J. Mannarino (the mastermind of the macabre celebration for quite sometime now). That, however, doesnt convince marketing because they conduct countless surveys every year on what people would like to see. One such survey asked about Urban Legends and which one would scare you......hmmmm....seems like people liked that idea.

Another survey that went around had four possible ideas for themes, each revolving around an icon in horror.

1.)George Romero's original Night of The Living Dead, having it's 40th anniversary.

2.)Lions Gate films, including Saw, Halloween and Hostel

3.)Jill, an all new icon who ran away to the circus and was the main squeeze of another HHN Icon...

4.)The many books of Stephen King

All of these were somewhat good ideas, with one great one...but they all presented problems

1.)An event full of zombies? Great in theory, but one zombie house or area is enough. Now make Marvel Zombies and I'm there.

2.)Last year we had New Line films with Freddy, Jason and Leatherface. The movie thing has been done, and it had people screaming "sell out". Besides, these films are less horror and more slasher...blood doesnt neccessarily equal scary.

3.)Jill..Jack and Jill. We've had enough clowns. Sure a female icon would be great, one thats scary, but not another damn clown!

4.)Stephen King is a smart man. Maybe too smart. He'd want an awful lot of money for the rights to his books.....but most of his really scary books have been movies...some of which werent so scary. Some stuff from his books were translated different in the movies...(example: The hatchet in the Shining was originally a denver croquet mallet...whats a denver croquet mallet...it's like a regular mallet, only really fucking big.) So people may be confused when they go to the book versions....then again, they could go with the movies...but the studios who made the movies owns those rights, not Stephen King...they'd have to pay twice...so that tossed that idea out the window. Or did it?

Now this is pure speculation, and purely based on the rumored names of all the houses and the site coming from the site. With that said, my esteemed friend Preston S. Popp(esquire! And I am Erik Erikdore Logan, and together we are WYL....sorry...) and I started looking at some of the imagery and how the King may not have disappeared after all.

Case #1-We are shown pictures of symbols and scarecrows. The rumored house that goes with this is "The Hallow". The book...tough call there, but I'm thinking kind of Pet Semetary. Preston pointed out the ritualistic drawings and the whole "druid" feel to it....kind of like a lost ancient Indian Tribe. What gets me is the headless man...his head is ate in half and he seems to be walking....like someone who's come back.

Case #2-We are shown drawings of alien type symbols and told an astronaut is scared of the end of the world. This is a long shot, but a lot of folks believe this to be "Interstellar Terror" which to me screams space....and aliens. Stephen King book? Tommyknockers or Dreamcatcher. Both have to do with aliens wanting to enslave humanity and end our way of life....but Dreamcatcher has buttworms....dont know...I'm leaning Tommyknockers on this one.

Case #3-I SEE DEAD PEOPLE! ON CAMERA! This one is kind of hard, the only real Stephen King story to deal with something similar is Cell. Basically a cell phone signal turns people into zombies....I know stretching it, but still....It's more likely based on "Shutter" which is not a King story. So we'll have to wait to see what "Dead Exposure" is.

Case #4-This one is obvious. You look at a comic book and in it there are spined tentacles. This one is obviously "Creatures" which is obviously "The Mist" in which other worldly creatures with huge spiny tentacles are let loose. The book, actually, is more about religion and the fact that people are sheep than big scary creatures....funny how things work. Kind of like how Night of the Living Dead is really about Racism.

Case #5-Here's where we're upto at this point on the site. The rumored house is "Scary Tales" and in it we hear of a lady who is afraid of stories...like fairy tales. So the good doctor has a bunch of lunatics chant stories ritualistic. I am at a loss on this one, but Preston seems to think it's Children of the Corn. There are reports that Cornfields are being grown in the house for this one, and we'll be lost inside of them while unseen forces walk among them. Kind of makes sense...but why fairy tales?

Other house names include Doomsday, Bloody Mary, Body Collectors. Doomsday, I hope is a take on "The Stand" which is an apocolyptic look at good and evil. Preston is leaning towards Bloody Mary being Misery...I dont see that one.....

But it is clear that some of the King's works were borrowed from...just a tiny bit....which is definately not a bad thing. After all, if it keeps you awake at night and engrains terrible visions in your head and keeps me looking to the closet for the ghost of a serial killer....then I dont mind the borrowing. But, could you only imagine an entire event? Walking down the halls of the hotel i Shining? Seeing two little girls and a river of blood? And Jack? He aint got shit on Pennywise! We All Float Down Here...

Til next time...Keep your pants on....scaredy cats.

Tell us your theories in the forums.

My Coaster Collection Part 2

2008-08-08T13:39:00.000-07:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls. Thank you for stopping by my little sliver of the internet. Don’t be shy, just step right up and gather round. The tale I’m going to weave for you today is one for the ages, and not to be missed. Allow me to introduce myself, I’m Erik, keeper of the kept, and master of the inept.

So last time I was compiling my top ten coasters that I'm going to buy when my lotto check finally clears. I made it to number 6 and the bank called....its taking a little longer than I expected, so to finish it up this week, here's the last 5. Again, some of these are great coasters, some of them are fake, but they're all fun...and products of my fantasy.
5.The Last Starfighter: Greetings Starfighter. You have been recruited by the Star League to defend the Frontier against Xur and the Kodan Armada. If you grew up in the 80's how can you not love this movie? If you didnt grow up in the 80's....your loss....this movie is going to be terrible to today's standards. But what kid didnt want to save the Universe by playing video games? This is a tough one, but it's completely a pipedream that they should come up with. Hell, they already use the music in Disney....Pat McCabe, can you tell me where?

So imagine the themeing! The frontier, Centari, Grig! All of them there in either face character mode or animatronics...matter of fact, lets make it animatronics. We start the ride as a dark ride, aboard gunstar coaster trains, we'll keep them small, and have them as suspended coasters...only the seats are on a type of gyroscope and you have controls. Each row has two seats, a navigator who has controls that control the speed of the coaster, and direction, and the gunner..we'll get more to that one later.We go through the different scenes of the movie, and we end the dark ride portion at the final battle, where Alex finds out that he is the last starfighter, as you go shooting off into "space", an indoor coaster where you are zipping up down and around the track, loads of floating ships firing at you as you pass. You then enter a lift hill at the bottom of a hill and spend your time shooting targets on the way up. Your chair spins completely around while the Navigator turns the ship with his controls. As you near the crest, you hear a voice say "Time for Death Blossom! The Weapon of last resort!" and you hit the red and white striped button. As you launch down the coaster track, your car goes spinning up and around the track, literally over the rail, as your chair and car go spinning. Yeah, it'll make you puke, and yeah, it's almost virtually impossible to accomplish, but dammit, it sounds fun as hell.

4.Monsters Inc.-Escape from Monstropolis: I know, I know, they're building a door coaster at Hollywood Studios. I know. However, let's take it out of Hollywood Studios, and build it my way. For this one, I'm going to get a key to Magic Kingdom, and be able to go anytime I want. In the movie Monsters Inc. Boo is being chased by the evil Randall in one of the most awe inspiring parts of the movie, the door chase scene. Here we go and take the best scene and realize it..really big. We build a "scare factory" right in behind where Peter Pan is, you know, the old skyride building. In it we see scenes from the movie, animatronic Boo, all that jazz. We board giant doors, again a suspended coaster, with tiers of passengers on either side of the door. We go through all the scenes, and go through the lift hill and get sent through scene after scene of all the doors they encounter in the movie, at one point going vertically through one scene....hard to do inverted, I know. The apex of the ride will be blasting through a door and going outside over the Magic Kingdom, fantasy land to be exact, then back in through the building, passing by each of the other cars making it seem like a frantic door chase during business hours as they go hurling past you. You end with the coaster locking back down into the door holder and boo running off...something like that.

3.Mystery Mine: Yes, when the check clears I'm buying Mystery Mine. I've got to. It's one of the best coasters I've ever been on. It has everything I love, intensity, good elements, and great themeing. Only, you know I can never leave well enough alone. I'm going to make it bigger, and by bigger I mean build a new building with even more options. You go outside like normal, but when you go back inside, you go down one of three tracks with all new elements. One element will be an escape from a rockslide, as rocks fall around you, another will be a chase by ghosts who died when the mine collapsed, and we'll keep the third one as it is.

2.Alien Abduction: Last year I spoke with a guy named Brian Temmur. He was working with the city of Roswell New Mexico to bring the "Alien Apex" resort to life, and with all of that, the Alien Abduction coaster. As we all know, projects like this fall flat. But I love the idea...and though I had no clue what his coaster was all about, I'd love to give it a shot. Now thats faith in someone, you'd be willing to buy and build their coaster without having a clue what it is. Actually, its more curiosity than anything.

1.Kingda Kong: The last item on the list is the worlds tallest fastest roller coaster....only, different. I've always thought these big ass coasters were one trick pony's. They go fast and high...and done. I want more to it. I say we go through, yes a dark ride portion, where we see huge animatronics of Kong fighting dinosaurs, the boat ride, and we end with the climatic battle of Kong perched atop the Empire State building with the blond. We are hurled outside and up the tower where we see a huge 40 foot Kong on top of Ka with a live blond in her hand. Dont ask me about the story of why we get hurled outside, its just a fantasy dammit. But that would make the whole trip a little more enjoyable, and worth the feeling of panic and dread I'd have about going on the monster.

So thats my coaster collection. Yeah, not all of it's real, but who cares, when my lotto check clears its going to be happy.

Tell me your dream coasters in the forums.

Til next time, keep your pants on.......Launch lifters.

My Coaster Collection

2008-07-26T12:45:00.000-07:00

I know that in the past I've said that I'm not that big a fan of coasters, but, I do like them. How can you not? So many types, so many varieties, so many different things they do. Wood or steel, hills or loops, so many people love them and they are the mainstay of any theme park. Would Hard Rock be worth a second look if it didnt have Led Zeppelin? Of course not. Themeing keeps the crowds entertained, but the coasters bring them in. This week I wanted to pick my favorite coasters for my personal collection that will be erected on my property, as soon as I win the lottery. Some of these I've been on, some I havent, some are completely made up...but they all are fun.

10.Dueling Dragons-Before Universal guts it, before Harry Potter rapes it, I want it. Pack it up, and give it to me. I want the queue line, I want the doom and gloom skull warning you. I want the skeletons in the wall having sex. I want it. This has been for about five years now my favorite ride. The design of the castle is by far the best environment ever. People hanging frozen in the ceiling, shields melted into the walls, a loan fleshy eyeball. It inspires a sense of wonder as you walk past the stained glass windows telling the story to the great book open and Merlins voice booming over you. The ride...well, its a great coaster, but here's somethings to make it better. On Fire, lets actually get the riders close to some fire! My version will have timed blasts going off all around you, and you're moving so quick, why not have a tunnel of fire to go through. Ice, thats a little tougher. You already have the wall to scale, and an ice tunnel would be redundant, so why not have icicles that crawl up thebuilding as you go. Maybe some snow blasts, or even a little A/C vent action. All good fun for the best coaster in the world.

9.Rockin Roller Coaster: Okay this is a good fun coaster. It's in the dark, and its great how it is. I hate that there are talks that Disney is going to retheme it. I wanted to say something along the lines of this coaster like "Starring METALLICA" but the more I thought about it, it's just not fitting. Aerosmith really nails the essence of the coaster where Metallica just kind of nails you in the face. A metallica coaster would hurt....a lot. No, RRC is great with the themeing, the story and how they whisk you away in a limo. I like it. Plus, funny story about my kids...isnt there always...my young man was very into going on this, until he got in line. A little girl pretty much shamed him into going on and as we hit that first drop, I felt his hand leave mine, his arms go in the air as he declared "THIS IS AWESOME!!!". For nostalgia, Disney, I'll take this one off your hands and put it in the back.

8.The Beast: I'm going to have one hell of a chunk of land here. I need something long and old to stand the test of time. The Beast still stands as one of the longest and oldest wooden coasters in existance. It's track is legendary, the air time phenomenal, and the only wooden roller coaster I know that has sex...Son of Beast might have been kind of rough, and but it proves that the Beast has a pecker, and you have to love that about a coaster.

7.Hulk Mountain: I used to love you Space Mountain. Hulk, you use to give me goosebumps. Now you both give me traction. So I'm going to rip you both apart and use the good elements from both to create an all new coaster. Hulk is blasting off to save the earth from the giant meteor that's going to destroy the world in 2012. Imagine if you will a preshow that tells us a huge asteroid is heading for earth, and we're all going to die. Dr. Bruce Banner comes on screen and tells us that if he hits us with Gamma Radiation, we should be able to accelerate fast enough to smash through the rock. There might be side effects though. We walk through a darkened corridor up to the launch pad, getting "blasted" with gamma all the way. As we enter our shuttle shaped vehicle we are strapped in and readied for take off. We go up the ramp in the normal way "Okay everything is clear for launch, I think...I think this might actually work." And ROAR..everything goes wrong as you are launched into oblivion and darkness, lights blurring past you as you dip up and down tossed through lights and supernovas, and finally go on a long dive into the asteroid where it is shattered with the help of special effect lighting, and we see an animatronic hulk grabbing onto the last large piece. Okay, so it sounded better in my head.

6.Sheikra Unleashed: What happens when you take the nations first dive coaster, chop off its floor and cage it up? It gets pissed. Sheikra, in my opinion, is better than Griffon. They are both good fun coasters, but Sheikra is smaller tighter, and flies around the curves giving you more airtime. It's just too damn short, and does nothing else. I know, the trains, blah blah bullshit. So I will take Sheikra and play RCT with it. Lets rebuild it, and make it higher. We'll borrow from the book of oblivion and make it disappear into the ground, a fox hole perhaps. And in that hole, which will stretch down to the depths of hell and back, we have all kinds of lights and terrifying sounds. Why? Because at that speed, thats all you can hear anyway. Basically, we take what Sheikra has now, and we duplicate it underground. We can be happy underground. After all that, we get launched...thats right, launched, vertically back above ground into that great immelman and back into the lighthouse, ending in the splashdown. Now thats good clean fun.

You like the list so far? Well this is only half. Tune in next week when I count down the rest. Til next time...keep your pants on....coaster cooters.

Fantasize yourselves.

Declassified Park Survival Guide: Universal

2008-07-20T18:27:00.000-07:00

I've been wondering why I am on In the Loop, and part of the Coaster Crew lately. I mean, I dont live up north, I am not a huge fan of the coasters. And really, I think that Six Flags AND Cedar Fair both suck. So whats my purpose? Hell if I know, really. But I did get an interesting call from a friend of mine.
"Erik..why the hell is there a giant wall up at Universal?"

"Um...they're building a Harry Potter Land"

"Oh wow man, so how do I get to mummy?"

"Go out the park, hang a left towards Hard Rock, go up the stairs and behind Hard Rock Cafe, you'll see a little gate...go in there, hang a left at Jimmy Nuetron, Hang a right at the Monsters Cafe, take your first left and you'll see it."

"Damn dude, you arent even here! You should write this crap down! You'd make a fortune!"

Well, he was wrong...I wont make a fortune. There's so many different books out there to guide you through the parks. There's also a bunch of crap in those books, and no one really knows the latest info. Chances are the books are written by people who go once a year. Hey, good for them. But this is the real guide. I'm going to tell you what to see, what to miss, and who should see it. On Top of that, I'm going to break it down for ya into park categories. Who wants to read the normal 32 paragraphs I normally write for each park? So this week I'll plunge right into my favorite park, Universal Studios Florida.

The key to doing this park is to go early. Thats the key to doing all parks really. Gates usually open at 9 a.m. but you can usually get a jump on the crowds by showing up at 8:15 during the normal times. 7:45 during Christmas and Summer. Yes, I said 7:45. Get in line at the front gate, and be patient.

Now the first thing you'll need to do is grab a park map, usually outside of the gate. Certain attractions open at different times. This is a cool deal, because it allows the park to slowly get busy. It sucks in that you cant run and hit something like JAWS, because it opens later. Also they have show times listed. There are several things you dont want to miss show wise, but we'll get to that later.

First stop...Shrek 4-D.

Shrek 4D is 3D movie where the seats move. You have to be about 36 inches high to go on it, and you should be able to handle jerking movements as the seats rattle. Little kids might want to avoid this as it has scary spiders. Teens might want to avoid it as its all about the first Shrek film and kind of dull, and the preshow is lame. This also tends to get busy really fast. So do it, get it over with and move on with your day.

Next stop is Jimmy Nuetron. Again, this is a simulator. They have a lot of those. The line gets stupid...and the attraction is just passable. Again, you have to be something like 36 to 40 inches, and older kids are going to find this a bore. It follows the adventures of Jimmy Nuetron, Carl and Sheen as they go through the Nicktoon Studios that are no longer at Universal. Kids love this, and dont get it, because a lot of the cartoon characters are no longer on Nick.

Once you get out, run to the Mummy. Dump off your stuff, and I mean all your stuff, bags, cameras purses, everything...dump it out in the free lockers. They dont let you ride with stuff, and if you dont dump it, they will make you go back. Now if the line says shorter than 20 mintues, its a pretty decent walk and you should be able to ride in no time. Longer than that, trust me on this, do the Single Riders line. It does mean you'll be seperated from your party, but hey you get to ride much faster than waiting.

Next stop Disaster. This was Earthquake, but they redid it. It basically takes you on a comedic tour of "Disaster Studios" where Christopher Walken interacts with the audience. The rest is hilarity. You can be chosen to participate in the show, and it does give you a good idea at how the stunts work. Once done with the filming session, its on to the ride, where you are acting in a earthquake scene. On the ride back you get to see the trailer for your film. The ride is fun, and a good time, though there are some sexual inneundos in it, and the kids may not get some of the references.

Onward to Simpsons. Seriously, skip JAWS and MIB for now. You'll get back to them. Simpsons gets busy fast, really fast, and honestly if you dont want to wait more than 30 minutes for it, you'll want to head there first and play catch up with the rest of your day. Simpsons is a simulator, but a fun one. It has a few effects, and it follows the family through Krustyland after Sideshow Bob. Height limit is something like 42 inches, so little ones cant ride.

MIB is the next on the list, and you'll want to do this at least once, maybe twice. If the sign says more than 15 minutes, single riders will be open and though you wont get to compete with your buddies, you will be able to ride quicker, and possibly more than once. The secret to maxing out your score? Aim small, and far away. Once the light blinks, keep hitting in the same spot until you get past it, and keep that trigger held down. You can get the black suit, I know you can! Height limit for little ones under, I think 40 inches.

JAWS never has too much of a line, and it can eat a lot of people...the ride doesnt eat you...well it does...oh never mind. No height limit, but you do have a shark trying to kill you. Fire, some fish guts and a big ass scary shark.

My ultimate tips:

If you want to see everything, and I mean everything here's what I do. Start at the beginning of the park. Work your way towards the back and hit every single attraction. Wait for things like Twister and E.T. These are good rides that have really short wait times and really big processing availabilities...basically when one show is done the next one starts. Do the shows as your next to last thing you do in the park, ride the rides first...they get the most crowded.

My favorite show is the Horror Make Up show, its funny, and its a little gory. Kind of scary for little little kids, but my 7 year old loves the knife part, so you know it cant be all that bad. BeetleJuice is okay, lots of music, and fun for all. It does have some innuendo, so parents cover your kids ears. Animal Actors is really fun, but very time consuming. You can literally walk in right before the show starts and get a decent seat...but if you want to get picked for audience participation, be there first.

Same with Fear Factor, not always busy, but the way to participate means you have to get there early.

T-2 3D is a great show, but not worth waiting a really long time for. Its the preshow that eats the most time. It's best saved for last.

Now for those height limits. Just because the tinkler cant go on it doesnt mean you cant. Leave the tyke with someone else and tell them to go to the child swap area. They have this for Mummy, MIB, Simpsons and ET and is right off the ride exit. What happens then is whoever waits with the kid can go and ride the ride. It's good for getting double rides, but thats kind of against the rules, so I wouldnt recommend it.

Blues Brothers is a good way to wait with a young one, they play it right outside the Mummy building and they have one usually every hour or so.

Eating is a must, and just like every park they have some great ones and some not so great ones. Burgers are best at Richters, but if you want table service go to the Irish resturaunt (cant remember the name right now) or to Lombards Landing. Both are really good and both have a pretty wide variety of food.

If you plan on being at the park all day, or eating more than once, the Meal Deal is the best bet. For 20 bucks you pretty much get all you can eat at each one of the counter service resturaunts (not the cookie or candy or ice cream shops or road side stands).

Remember the free lockers on Mummy and MIB. They are kind of a pain, but if you want to ride more than once you can do so, and you can leave your stuff. You can also get pretty cheap locker deals so you can leave your stuff in.

My absolute favorite thing about Universal is the Streetmosphere stuff. All the characters walking around interacting with everyone and taking pictures. No lines, not a lot of rules, and a lot of fun.

Now comes the last part, and probably one my favorites. Special Events. There are a few special events at the Studios, those are (in order) Mardi Gras, Rock the Universe, Halloween Horror Nights and Macy's Day Parade.

Mardi Gras is awesome. Floats, beads, colorful characters, and a concert. The best part is that its all included with your park admission. It runs for like 3 months, every Saturday so if you miss it once, you can get a fix the next week...but watch out, the concerts dont repeat.

Halloween Horror Nights is my favorite, hands down. For 23 nights you can get the shit scared out of you with 8 houses, 5 scare zones and 3 shows. Not to mention, almost all the rides are open. This is a seperate event, and you'll need another ticket for it besides your daytime ticket, but its really worth it.

Rock the Universe is the Christian thing. It's an extra ticket, and its always crowded. I dont like it, I dont go...the kids are punks. All I can say honestly. If you like Christian Music and like to do that whole thing....go for it, I hear Christians really dig it....I hated it.

Macy's Day Parade runs around Christmas and runs just about everyday at 5. Loads of characters, candy, floats from the real parade, and Santa! It's really pretty cool, an its all free.

Thats all I have for now.I'll be back in few weeks with the Survival guide to IOA.
If you want to see what I'm talking about, check out the vid on Youtube.

Til next time, keep your pants on......linejumpers.
Debrief in the forums.

Tap Dat Ass

2008-07-15T01:07:00.000-07:00

So this week I was going to talk about one of my favorite pasttimes, drinking in the parks, and bitch (you expected anything else?) about the parks you couldnt...but something happened on the way to the blog. InBev, the second largest beer company in the world just became the first. How did they do that? Well, you must have been hiding under a rock, because they bought the biggest, I'm talking of course about Anheuser-Busch. It's one of the last great American beer companies, and now...its not.

Last month InBev offered A-B over 60 billion dollars to buy everything out right, it was refused. This month they put an end to the hostile takeover bid, and agreed to take on the Anheuser-Busch name. It is unclear whether or not the company will close up shop in the states (something a lot of foreign companies tend to do when they buy American) and set up shop in Belgium, but perhaps not with this decrease in the buying price and the flexibility to keep the name. I'm not going to pretend to understand the business of money, and what finally went down. The one thing I am concerned with, probably the same thing you are.....Busch Entertai....excuse me, Worlds Of Discovery.

Whats going to happen? Will they keep the parks? Will they sell off? Will the things that made the Busch parks great get thrown to the wind because of the need to cut budget? The cliched answer is Time Will Tell...I like to stay away from Cliche's,but it works here.

The most important thing remains unanswered...Will the Busch Parks continue to give free beer? Will they now incorporate InBev beers which include Stella Artois? Think about this, you are allowed two beers per I.D. and now you have over 30 different beers to choose from for that sweet taste of free nectar. It's almost as good as getting to choose your Playboy Playmate to take to prom, with the promise of.....well, ya know. Lets hope thats the way they go, and they pretty much leave it be, and realize they have a good thing with the parks.

And that brings me to my favorite pasttime, drinking in the parks...ya see it all works out. Sea World and Busch Gardens are some of the best parks because of the free beer. Other parks do good at the beer and wine selection, but none others are free, and none offere something like beer school to get even more free beer. But lets look at the programs that are offered.

Disney:

Okay, we all know where I'm going with it. Thats right, Drinking Around the World at EPCOT. The idea is simple, you start in Mexico and try to drink your way all the way back to the UK..or is it Canada...stopping at a bar in every single country and grabbing a brew. The only problem is, that its a long walk! It's also pretty damn expensive. I know most people though who skip the rest of the lands and go straight to the U.K. for the YARDS OF BEER! I personally have never made it, I am either too drunk to go on or I run out of money half way through.

Universal:

Okay, so nothing near as cool as D.A.T.W., but you can kind of make your own deal with it by drinking around the Islands. It's kind of the same, only different...and the biggest problem is that not all Islands have their own drink. You're pretty much limited to Triple Threat Extinction at Jurassic Park, Dragon Scale Ale at Lost Continent, and Nectar of the Gods at Mythos. But go to the clubs in CityWalk and of course the hotels and you can get sloshed at a pretty good rate. My favorite drink? The Incredible Hulk of course! Its Hennesey floated ontop of Hypnotiq, or the the other way around...then you make it angry....and watch the transformation! It's good and too many will FUCK YOU UP! And of course this should only be done when staying on site at either Disney or Universal, because its no good to drink and drive.

Thats really all I've got on the different places to drink...because most of the other parks dont serve alcohol, or they dont have anything special.

But I'd like to see something at Six Flags:

DRINK TIL YA HURL! Simple concept, you get a refillable yard...and you drink whatever the drink of the day is. And refills are free. Then you ride. And you drink. And you ride. And you drink..and sooner or later, you're going to hurl. At that point, you're cut off and you cant drink anymore.

But with every time I have to drink at parks I definately have a couple of times when you shouldnt drink.

The biggest no no is Halloween Horror Nights. Now I know you're out without the kids, or maybe your mom and dad let you out of their sight, but there is something about getting liquored up and then getting the piss scared out of you that doesnt mix. For most people its the "Liquid Courage" Factor...that is, you become invincible and want to take on every one who jumps out and scares you. Thats their job, thats what you pay for...letting some poor kid who's getting paid minimum have it in the head because the scare the beer down your leg just isnt cool. For others its the scared so bad you fall down. This is where you become off balanced because you're drunk and you get scared so bad you fall all over yourself when someone jumps out. You could get hurt, or you could hurt someone else.

Any kind of family friendly event i.e. Thrills in the Hills, Mickey's not so Scary, and school field trips. Its plain and simple. When you drink with kids around you set an example, that teaches them to drink, and so on....also there are so many people who cant control themselves and being drunk and beligerent around younger kids is really frowned upon. Oh, and if you're a teacher on a field trip...yeah, not good.....mom and dad might try to get you fired.

But the biggest thing is to go with someone responsible. Have fun, but make sure they have your back...otherwise its a short ride from the park to the slammer, or worse.

Some fun park drinking games:

Have a group of friends and stand under a coaster. Take a drink every time a woman screams.

Drink everytime someone says "say cheese". Yeah, it goes hand in hand with parks.

Take a shot every time you see a fanny pack. This one is really easy to get blasted, and it really boils down to how much money you have for drinks.

Til Next time, keep your pants on......chugaluggers.

Drown your sorrows on the forums.