Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls. Thank you for stopping by my little sliver of the internet. Don’t be shy, just step right up and gather round. The tale I’m going to weave for you today is one for the ages, and not to be missed. Allow me to introduce myself, I’m Erik, keeper of the kept, and master of the inept.
I know that in the past I've said that I'm not that big a fan of coasters, but, I do like them. How can you not? So many types, so many varieties, so many different things they do. Wood or steel, hills or loops, so many people love them and they are the mainstay of any theme park. Would Hard Rock be worth a second look if it didnt have Led Zeppelin? Of course not. Themeing keeps the crowds entertained, but the coasters bring them in. This week I wanted to pick my favorite coasters for my personal collection that will be erected on my property, as soon as I win the lottery. Some of these I've been on, some I havent, some are completely made up...but they all are fun.
10.Dueling Dragons-Before Universal guts it, before Harry Potter rapes it, I want it. Pack it up, and give it to me. I want the queue line, I want the doom and gloom skull warning you. I want the skeletons in the wall having sex. I want it. This has been for about five years now my favorite ride. The design of the castle is by far the best environment ever. People hanging frozen in the ceiling, shields melted into the walls, a loan fleshy eyeball. It inspires a sense of wonder as you walk past the stained glass windows telling the story to the great book open and Merlins voice booming over you. The ride...well, its a great coaster, but here's somethings to make it better. On Fire, lets actually get the riders close to some fire! My version will have timed blasts going off all around you, and you're moving so quick, why not have a tunnel of fire to go through. Ice, thats a little tougher. You already have the wall to scale, and an ice tunnel would be redundant, so why not have icicles that crawl up thebuilding as you go. Maybe some snow blasts, or even a little A/C vent action. All good fun for the best coaster in the world.
9.Rockin Roller Coaster: Okay this is a good fun coaster. It's in the dark, and its great how it is. I hate that there are talks that Disney is going to retheme it. I wanted to say something along the lines of this coaster like "Starring METALLICA" but the more I thought about it, it's just not fitting. Aerosmith really nails the essence of the coaster where Metallica just kind of nails you in the face. A metallica coaster would hurt....a lot. No, RRC is great with the themeing, the story and how they whisk you away in a limo. I like it. Plus, funny story about my kids...isnt there always...my young man was very into going on this, until he got in line. A little girl pretty much shamed him into going on and as we hit that first drop, I felt his hand leave mine, his arms go in the air as he declared "THIS IS AWESOME!!!". For nostalgia, Disney, I'll take this one off your hands and put it in the back.
8.The Beast: I'm going to have one hell of a chunk of land here. I need something long and old to stand the test of time. The Beast still stands as one of the longest and oldest wooden coasters in existance. It's track is legendary, the air time phenomenal, and the only wooden roller coaster I know that has sex...Son of Beast might have been kind of rough, and but it proves that the Beast has a pecker, and you have to love that about a coaster.
7.Hulk Mountain: I used to love you Space Mountain. Hulk, you use to give me goosebumps. Now you both give me traction. So I'm going to rip you both apart and use the good elements from both to create an all new coaster. Hulk is blasting off to save the earth from the giant meteor that's going to destroy the world in 2012. Imagine if you will a preshow that tells us a huge asteroid is heading for earth, and we're all going to die. Dr. Bruce Banner comes on screen and tells us that if he hits us with Gamma Radiation, we should be able to accelerate fast enough to smash through the rock. There might be side effects though. We walk through a darkened corridor up to the launch pad, getting "blasted" with gamma all the way. As we enter our shuttle shaped vehicle we are strapped in and readied for take off. We go up the ramp in the normal way "Okay everything is clear for launch, I think...I think this might actually work." And ROAR..everything goes wrong as you are launched into oblivion and darkness, lights blurring past you as you dip up and down tossed through lights and supernovas, and finally go on a long dive into the asteroid where it is shattered with the help of special effect lighting, and we see an animatronic hulk grabbing onto the last large piece. Okay, so it sounded better in my head.
6.Sheikra Unleashed: What happens when you take the nations first dive coaster, chop off its floor and cage it up? It gets pissed. Sheikra, in my opinion, is better than Griffon. They are both good fun coasters, but Sheikra is smaller tighter, and flies around the curves giving you more airtime. It's just too damn short, and does nothing else. I know, the trains, blah blah bullshit. So I will take Sheikra and play RCT with it. Lets rebuild it, and make it higher. We'll borrow from the book of oblivion and make it disappear into the ground, a fox hole perhaps. And in that hole, which will stretch down to the depths of hell and back, we have all kinds of lights and terrifying sounds. Why? Because at that speed, thats all you can hear anyway. Basically, we take what Sheikra has now, and we duplicate it underground. We can be happy underground. After all that, we get launched...thats right, launched, vertically back above ground into that great immelman and back into the lighthouse, ending in the splashdown. Now thats good clean fun.
You like the list so far? Well this is only half. Tune in next week when I count down the rest. Til next time...keep your pants on....coaster cooters.
I've been wondering why I am on In the Loop, and part of the Coaster Crew lately. I mean, I dont live up north, I am not a huge fan of the coasters. And really, I think that Six Flags AND Cedar Fair both suck. So whats my purpose? Hell if I know, really. But I did get an interesting call from a friend of mine. "Erik..why the hell is there a giant wall up at Universal?"
"Um...they're building a Harry Potter Land"
"Oh wow man, so how do I get to mummy?"
"Go out the park, hang a left towards Hard Rock, go up the stairs and behind Hard Rock Cafe, you'll see a little gate...go in there, hang a left at Jimmy Nuetron, Hang a right at the Monsters Cafe, take your first left and you'll see it."
"Damn dude, you arent even here! You should write this crap down! You'd make a fortune!"
Well, he was wrong...I wont make a fortune. There's so many different books out there to guide you through the parks. There's also a bunch of crap in those books, and no one really knows the latest info. Chances are the books are written by people who go once a year. Hey, good for them. But this is the real guide. I'm going to tell you what to see, what to miss, and who should see it. On Top of that, I'm going to break it down for ya into park categories. Who wants to read the normal 32 paragraphs I normally write for each park? So this week I'll plunge right into my favorite park, Universal Studios Florida.
The key to doing this park is to go early. Thats the key to doing all parks really. Gates usually open at 9 a.m. but you can usually get a jump on the crowds by showing up at 8:15 during the normal times. 7:45 during Christmas and Summer. Yes, I said 7:45. Get in line at the front gate, and be patient.
Now the first thing you'll need to do is grab a park map, usually outside of the gate. Certain attractions open at different times. This is a cool deal, because it allows the park to slowly get busy. It sucks in that you cant run and hit something like JAWS, because it opens later. Also they have show times listed. There are several things you dont want to miss show wise, but we'll get to that later.
First stop...Shrek 4-D.
Shrek 4D is 3D movie where the seats move. You have to be about 36 inches high to go on it, and you should be able to handle jerking movements as the seats rattle. Little kids might want to avoid this as it has scary spiders. Teens might want to avoid it as its all about the first Shrek film and kind of dull, and the preshow is lame. This also tends to get busy really fast. So do it, get it over with and move on with your day.
Next stop is Jimmy Nuetron. Again, this is a simulator. They have a lot of those. The line gets stupid...and the attraction is just passable. Again, you have to be something like 36 to 40 inches, and older kids are going to find this a bore. It follows the adventures of Jimmy Nuetron, Carl and Sheen as they go through the Nicktoon Studios that are no longer at Universal. Kids love this, and dont get it, because a lot of the cartoon characters are no longer on Nick.
Once you get out, run to the Mummy. Dump off your stuff, and I mean all your stuff, bags, cameras purses, everything...dump it out in the free lockers. They dont let you ride with stuff, and if you dont dump it, they will make you go back. Now if the line says shorter than 20 mintues, its a pretty decent walk and you should be able to ride in no time. Longer than that, trust me on this, do the Single Riders line. It does mean you'll be seperated from your party, but hey you get to ride much faster than waiting.
Next stop Disaster. This was Earthquake, but they redid it. It basically takes you on a comedic tour of "Disaster Studios" where Christopher Walken interacts with the audience. The rest is hilarity. You can be chosen to participate in the show, and it does give you a good idea at how the stunts work. Once done with the filming session, its on to the ride, where you are acting in a earthquake scene. On the ride back you get to see the trailer for your film. The ride is fun, and a good time, though there are some sexual inneundos in it, and the kids may not get some of the references.
Onward to Simpsons. Seriously, skip JAWS and MIB for now. You'll get back to them. Simpsons gets busy fast, really fast, and honestly if you dont want to wait more than 30 minutes for it, you'll want to head there first and play catch up with the rest of your day. Simpsons is a simulator, but a fun one. It has a few effects, and it follows the family through Krustyland after Sideshow Bob. Height limit is something like 42 inches, so little ones cant ride.
MIB is the next on the list, and you'll want to do this at least once, maybe twice. If the sign says more than 15 minutes, single riders will be open and though you wont get to compete with your buddies, you will be able to ride quicker, and possibly more than once. The secret to maxing out your score? Aim small, and far away. Once the light blinks, keep hitting in the same spot until you get past it, and keep that trigger held down. You can get the black suit, I know you can! Height limit for little ones under, I think 40 inches.
JAWS never has too much of a line, and it can eat a lot of people...the ride doesnt eat you...well it does...oh never mind. No height limit, but you do have a shark trying to kill you. Fire, some fish guts and a big ass scary shark.
My ultimate tips:
If you want to see everything, and I mean everything here's what I do. Start at the beginning of the park. Work your way towards the back and hit every single attraction. Wait for things like Twister and E.T. These are good rides that have really short wait times and really big processing availabilities...basically when one show is done the next one starts. Do the shows as your next to last thing you do in the park, ride the rides first...they get the most crowded.
My favorite show is the Horror Make Up show, its funny, and its a little gory. Kind of scary for little little kids, but my 7 year old loves the knife part, so you know it cant be all that bad. BeetleJuice is okay, lots of music, and fun for all. It does have some innuendo, so parents cover your kids ears. Animal Actors is really fun, but very time consuming. You can literally walk in right before the show starts and get a decent seat...but if you want to get picked for audience participation, be there first.
Same with Fear Factor, not always busy, but the way to participate means you have to get there early.
T-2 3D is a great show, but not worth waiting a really long time for. Its the preshow that eats the most time. It's best saved for last.
Now for those height limits. Just because the tinkler cant go on it doesnt mean you cant. Leave the tyke with someone else and tell them to go to the child swap area. They have this for Mummy, MIB, Simpsons and ET and is right off the ride exit. What happens then is whoever waits with the kid can go and ride the ride. It's good for getting double rides, but thats kind of against the rules, so I wouldnt recommend it.
Blues Brothers is a good way to wait with a young one, they play it right outside the Mummy building and they have one usually every hour or so.
Eating is a must, and just like every park they have some great ones and some not so great ones. Burgers are best at Richters, but if you want table service go to the Irish resturaunt (cant remember the name right now) or to Lombards Landing. Both are really good and both have a pretty wide variety of food.
If you plan on being at the park all day, or eating more than once, the Meal Deal is the best bet. For 20 bucks you pretty much get all you can eat at each one of the counter service resturaunts (not the cookie or candy or ice cream shops or road side stands).
Remember the free lockers on Mummy and MIB. They are kind of a pain, but if you want to ride more than once you can do so, and you can leave your stuff. You can also get pretty cheap locker deals so you can leave your stuff in.
My absolute favorite thing about Universal is the Streetmosphere stuff. All the characters walking around interacting with everyone and taking pictures. No lines, not a lot of rules, and a lot of fun.
Now comes the last part, and probably one my favorites. Special Events. There are a few special events at the Studios, those are (in order) Mardi Gras, Rock the Universe, Halloween Horror Nights and Macy's Day Parade.
Mardi Gras is awesome. Floats, beads, colorful characters, and a concert. The best part is that its all included with your park admission. It runs for like 3 months, every Saturday so if you miss it once, you can get a fix the next week...but watch out, the concerts dont repeat.
Halloween Horror Nights is my favorite, hands down. For 23 nights you can get the shit scared out of you with 8 houses, 5 scare zones and 3 shows. Not to mention, almost all the rides are open. This is a seperate event, and you'll need another ticket for it besides your daytime ticket, but its really worth it.
Rock the Universe is the Christian thing. It's an extra ticket, and its always crowded. I dont like it, I dont go...the kids are punks. All I can say honestly. If you like Christian Music and like to do that whole thing....go for it, I hear Christians really dig it....I hated it.
Macy's Day Parade runs around Christmas and runs just about everyday at 5. Loads of characters, candy, floats from the real parade, and Santa! It's really pretty cool, an its all free.
So this week I was going to talk about one of my favorite pasttimes, drinking in the parks, and bitch (you expected anything else?) about the parks you couldnt...but something happened on the way to the blog. InBev, the second largest beer company in the world just became the first. How did they do that? Well, you must have been hiding under a rock, because they bought the biggest, I'm talking of course about Anheuser-Busch. It's one of the last great American beer companies, and now...its not.
Last month InBev offered A-B over 60 billion dollars to buy everything out right, it was refused. This month they put an end to the hostile takeover bid, and agreed to take on the Anheuser-Busch name. It is unclear whether or not the company will close up shop in the states (something a lot of foreign companies tend to do when they buy American) and set up shop in Belgium, but perhaps not with this decrease in the buying price and the flexibility to keep the name. I'm not going to pretend to understand the business of money, and what finally went down. The one thing I am concerned with, probably the same thing you are.....Busch Entertai....excuse me, Worlds Of Discovery.
Whats going to happen? Will they keep the parks? Will they sell off? Will the things that made the Busch parks great get thrown to the wind because of the need to cut budget? The cliched answer is Time Will Tell...I like to stay away from Cliche's,but it works here.
The most important thing remains unanswered...Will the Busch Parks continue to give free beer? Will they now incorporate InBev beers which include Stella Artois? Think about this, you are allowed two beers per I.D. and now you have over 30 different beers to choose from for that sweet taste of free nectar. It's almost as good as getting to choose your Playboy Playmate to take to prom, with the promise of.....well, ya know. Lets hope thats the way they go, and they pretty much leave it be, and realize they have a good thing with the parks.
And that brings me to my favorite pasttime, drinking in the parks...ya see it all works out. Sea World and Busch Gardens are some of the best parks because of the free beer. Other parks do good at the beer and wine selection, but none others are free, and none offere something like beer school to get even more free beer. But lets look at the programs that are offered.
Disney:
Okay, we all know where I'm going with it. Thats right, Drinking Around the World at EPCOT. The idea is simple, you start in Mexico and try to drink your way all the way back to the UK..or is it Canada...stopping at a bar in every single country and grabbing a brew. The only problem is, that its a long walk! It's also pretty damn expensive. I know most people though who skip the rest of the lands and go straight to the U.K. for the YARDS OF BEER! I personally have never made it, I am either too drunk to go on or I run out of money half way through.
Universal:
Okay, so nothing near as cool as D.A.T.W., but you can kind of make your own deal with it by drinking around the Islands. It's kind of the same, only different...and the biggest problem is that not all Islands have their own drink. You're pretty much limited to Triple Threat Extinction at Jurassic Park, Dragon Scale Ale at Lost Continent, and Nectar of the Gods at Mythos. But go to the clubs in CityWalk and of course the hotels and you can get sloshed at a pretty good rate. My favorite drink? The Incredible Hulk of course! Its Hennesey floated ontop of Hypnotiq, or the the other way around...then you make it angry....and watch the transformation! It's good and too many will FUCK YOU UP! And of course this should only be done when staying on site at either Disney or Universal, because its no good to drink and drive.
Thats really all I've got on the different places to drink...because most of the other parks dont serve alcohol, or they dont have anything special.
But I'd like to see something at Six Flags:
DRINK TIL YA HURL! Simple concept, you get a refillable yard...and you drink whatever the drink of the day is. And refills are free. Then you ride. And you drink. And you ride. And you drink..and sooner or later, you're going to hurl. At that point, you're cut off and you cant drink anymore.
But with every time I have to drink at parks I definately have a couple of times when you shouldnt drink.
The biggest no no is Halloween Horror Nights. Now I know you're out without the kids, or maybe your mom and dad let you out of their sight, but there is something about getting liquored up and then getting the piss scared out of you that doesnt mix. For most people its the "Liquid Courage" Factor...that is, you become invincible and want to take on every one who jumps out and scares you. Thats their job, thats what you pay for...letting some poor kid who's getting paid minimum have it in the head because the scare the beer down your leg just isnt cool. For others its the scared so bad you fall down. This is where you become off balanced because you're drunk and you get scared so bad you fall all over yourself when someone jumps out. You could get hurt, or you could hurt someone else.
Any kind of family friendly event i.e. Thrills in the Hills, Mickey's not so Scary, and school field trips. Its plain and simple. When you drink with kids around you set an example, that teaches them to drink, and so on....also there are so many people who cant control themselves and being drunk and beligerent around younger kids is really frowned upon. Oh, and if you're a teacher on a field trip...yeah, not good.....mom and dad might try to get you fired.
But the biggest thing is to go with someone responsible. Have fun, but make sure they have your back...otherwise its a short ride from the park to the slammer, or worse.
Some fun park drinking games:
Have a group of friends and stand under a coaster. Take a drink every time a woman screams.
Drink everytime someone says "say cheese". Yeah, it goes hand in hand with parks.
Take a shot every time you see a fanny pack. This one is really easy to get blasted, and it really boils down to how much money you have for drinks.
Til Next time, keep your pants on......chugaluggers.
Of Dragons, And Unicorns, And Days To Be Forgotten
Shattered Glass. Kronos Turn. What is now rotted and Ruin was in distant days past, a castle so fair beyond words that a sorcerer of great renown settled here to pass in peace the twilight of his years. Unitl they came. Descending like a winged curse, a twin plague of demonic dragons. The kings army quickly fell. In a plea of desperation the entire kingdom turned to the sorcerer. Alas, he was too old to conquer such fiends so fierce and powerful. And so the castle fell. Its riches plundered. Its land scorched. And its people scattered like bats upon the wind. To this day the dragons remain, and so to the Sorcerer to discourage foolish naves such as yourself from a chivalrous challenge such as a ride on a dueling dragon! How do I come to tell this tale? My name....is Merlin....
Actually, its not...but...while you're at it....Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls. Thank you for stopping by my little sliver of the internet. Don’t be shy, just step right up and gather round. The tale I’m going to weave for you today is one for the ages, and not to be missed. Allow me to introduce myself, I’m Erik, keeper of the kept, and master of the inept.
The bridge is open. Walls are up. Its official. Lost Continent at Universal's Islands of Adventure is dying. The people with the rose colored glasses will tell you "It's not dying, its undergoing a transformation! It's going to be better!" How can you be so sure? Do you know for a fact that it will be better? "Sure, Harry Potter will bring magic back to Islands!" See, and its there that I have the problem. Its honesty time. Hi, my name is Erik, and I'm a Universal nut. It all started about 5 or so years ago. My son was about 5 or 6, and the first Spider-Man movie was HUGE! It captivated him in a way that no other movie has since. Everything was Spider-man, and we could not take a picture without him giving the signature web-blasting fingers. So, my dad, always eager to please the young man saw an ad on T.V. advertising the Spider-man ride at IOA. After asking if we thought my son would like to go, he bought us all Annual Passes....after all, it was cheaper, and if we went more than once.....we'd pay for the tickets in no time. At the time I was a casual theme park fan. I liked Disney, and Sea World. They were pretty good, and I was satisfied going once or twice a year. I had been to Kings Island many times as a kid, and though I liked coasters they weren't amazing to me by any stretch. We walked into Islands of Adventure that first morning in October....actually, let me stop right there also...I went to the front gate the night before to get the tickets so we didnt have to wait in line. It was a late weekend in October, and though I had heard of Halloween Horror Nights, I had never been...and wasnt all that impressed with it. We walked across the bridge and were immediately greeted by screams, fog and a man with a bullhorn telling us how we needed to run away because of the evil inside this place. A guy was on the ground crying, yelling at God to deliver us from the evil within, and let us all survive the end. My son clutched my hand tightly. I was enthralled...I wanted more. I could feel something mysterious stirring, something that had been there all along......but I wasnt sure what. So fast forward to the morning after. My family and I went walking through the front gate, and they were all amazed. Rides everywhere, scenery popping out of every direction...I liked it, but it wasnt special....again, something deep inside me rumbled, stretching its claws and unfolding its wings....again, I was unaware. We went through the rides, and hit Spider-Man, which was...well, amazing. That something was wakening louder now, getting curious. Each new ride and new land made that something inside me stir about a little more. Jurassic Park brought a tear to my eye as the doors opened and that familiar voice said "Welcome to Jurassic Park" and I saw Dinosaurs rise above me.
Onward we pressed. We crossed a wooden bridge with a statue at the end, a little fire billowing out the top. I was there. I was in the Lost Continent. That little something was dancing frantically, wanting to see what was happening. Flying Unicorn, though a small coaster, was huge in our minds simply because of the layout and theming. Little voices echoed out and ringed through. I walked through the queue of Dueling Dragons and watched as thing danced to life around me, as voices rang out through the halls, and when we came to the station I was genuinely disappointed that there was a coaster there, and not a real live dragon. We walked around the corner, and saw Poseidon battle Darkenon for supremacy, ate lunch at Mythos. I stood at that great glass window with a single tear falling down my cheek. The creature inside me was born. I was the proud father of a bouncing new addiction. We made pilgrimages to Orlando once every two weeks, each time going further and further into oblivion and the fantasy that was the Lost Continent. I was simply infatuated. I experienced my first HHN, and though it was seen as a bad year, it was amazing. The second year saw the entire park transformed into a twisted Lost Continent, and the senses simply tingled. I joined a few websites to get as much information as I could about it. I eventually started a podcast about the place, and though I faltered, I always pushed on with something in the theme park world because in the back of my mind, I knew...I always knew, I'd come home to the Lost Continent. The wonders I've seen there. The lone wizard that bound the place, and forever kept it safe from prying eyes....Merlin...had his presence everywhere. This was magic. This was where I belonged. But before I lose myself in sentimental ramblings, lets talk a little about Lost Continent.
It was the last, so legend says, to come to IOA. It's roots are steeped in lore. A little place called Animal Kingdom was to have a land called Beastly Kingdom. In it they would have a dragon coaster, that went through a castle, and a Unicorn attraction.....but budget cuts sent Imagineers looking for work, and with them went their ideas. Here comes Universal, looking for a new land. They were trying for a mythical place, but there wasnt so much they could do with mythology on a smaller scale. Then came the Imagineers. Their ideas were amazing, and so, Lost Continent was broken up into three seperate areas of Mythology: Greek/Roman Mythology (Posiedons Fury and Mythos) the Arabian Mythology (Sindbad, and the surrounding bazarr) and Aurthurian Lore...all things dragon and Merlin. Dueling Dragons was there centerpiece, two inverted coasters that gave near misses, but that wasnt enough. They filled the line and surrounding area with a life all its own, along with a soundtrack. The eateries were even immersive, with the Enchanted Oak providing a snarling old oak and carved animals inside.
Fate stepped in a year ago and it was announced that the land would be rethemed to make room for The Wizarding World of Harry Potter. The art showed the area and it was drastically different from what we've come to love, and in a lot of ways...better. That split a lot of people. On one hand you had an all new area, new rides, and you'd bring in a huge crowd which would hopefully make the rest of the park have to grow and add more rides. On the other, what would happen to our beloved Lost Continent?
The higher ups were so tight lipped that they had permanent tooth indents on their upper lips. That didnt stop people from talking. Kuka arms with flying cars, Quidditch matches, Triwizard Tournaments, and even wizard duels in the streets were all on the rumor list. The only thing that we now know for sure, they're closing off Flying Unicorn for retheming, and a big castle is being built. Thats it. What will happen is anyone's guess. But will it be as great as what we had before? Probably not....and that will chase a lot of people away. Will it be as good as the concept art? It never is. Aquatica anyone? But regardless of what I think about it, and what millions of fans think...its happening. The harsh realization has just been confirmed. The Lost Continent is dying. So back to the sentimentality. I cant say enough about my love for "The LC". It brought so much inspiration to my life, as said before, it inspired me to go from just a casual fan to a full blown theme park maniac. It spurred 2 podcasts and a website, and during my journey through all that it made me some amazing friends, and fiendish foes. It brought a sense of imagination back to me, and yes....I even started a FanFiction about it...how dorky can you get? So, when the boy wizard comes to town, it will be a bittersweet event, joyous and happy to see one so young come in with fresh new looks and ideas, but sorrowful all the same. And no...you cant read the fanfic. Until next time....keep your ear to the Hawthorne Tree. Speak quietly amongst yourselves.
Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls. Thank you for stopping by my little sliver of the internet. Don’t be shy, just step right up and gather round. The tale I’m going to weave for you today is one for the ages, and not to be missed. Allow me to introduce myself, I’m Erik, keeper of the kept, and master of the inept.
This is the place where dreams come true! Okay, so you cant gamble, and the hookers here are really nasty and filled with diseases of every creed color and nationality, but Orlando is the number one tourist destination in the world. Well, until Dubai unzips and lays down its proverbial John Holmes on the world. Until then, there are more parks in the square mileage of Orlando than pretty much anywhere. You have four Disney Parks, Two Disney Water Parks, Two Universal Parks, Wet N Wild, Sea World, Aquatica, Discovery Cove, Wet N Wild, and less than an hour away you have Cypress Gardens Busch Gardens and Adventure Island. Add in the fact that you also have a huge collection of mini golf, go kart tracks and more shopping dining and golf than any other place in the world and you can see why Orlando is the number one spot. But how do you choose where to go? I dont know its your damn vacation why you asking me....I dont know anything bout your fuc....Ahem.
I'm not going to tell you where to go....okay I'm not going to tell you where to go in Orlando. But I will tell you that every single park is fighting for your dollar. Yeah, no shit. It all started with a mouse....you know that same old crap. But Magic Kingdom gave way to Sea World which gave way for EPCOT, which gave way to Universal Studios Florida which made the push for MGM(now Hollywood Studios) to get built quicker, and so on and so forth and blah blah blah. Orlando is a mecca for theme park fans, and as you can tell they all want to one up each other. This doesnt even count BGT and Cypress Gardens, only the parks in Orlando are here...those two lost souls have a problem all their own, get people's asses out of Orlando.
But the main three in Orlando are of course Disney, Sea World and Universal. Each of which has at least one off shoot, water parks, shopping districts, eateries and the list goes on. It's mind boggling, but when one does something big, the others follow suit.
Prime example, when Disney found out Universal Studios was coming to Orlando they rushed to build their own movie studio park with MGM. It was rushed, and it suffered because of it. The park only had a few signature attractions, but they were big with Tower of Terror, and Star Tours. When Busch Gardens had their big overhaul, Disney announced Animal Kingdom...and when the budget for that was too big, a bunch of Imagineers got the axe and Islands of Adventure was born. And most recently, Universal announces the biggest money maker of the past few years, namely Harry Potter, and everyone in Orlando goes bug shit.
Sea World rushes Aquatica, Disney announces Toy Story Mania, and a huge overhaul for Hollywood Studios as well as a return to classic names, and of course more Pixar, including overhauling many of its classic attractions to make them fit the company standards again. Of course Sea World announced that it will be unveiling a new coaster, bringing its total big ride count to 3, and Universal, looking for a quick fix will put a coaster in the Studios next year as well. It's all out war.
Add on top of that the rising gas prices and shortage of jobs and its a war that it may be difficult to pick a winner.
So, which one will you pick? Lets look at the options.
We'll look at Families. This is the core audience of all of Orlando. This is the big one the parks want to get. You're talking two adults, and two or more kids. Thats big money in admissions, and of course they have to eat, drink, and buy useless crap such as T's. If your guests have to spend money on transportation, then that limits how much money they have to spend on other things, so the best thing for them is to stay on site where everything is within walking distance, or where people can hitch a free ride to things like eateries and shopping as well as the parks.
So look at overall value. Universal has two parks and an offsite water park...a short bus ride or walk away. Three onsite hotels, all with world class resturaunts and its in the middle of Orlando. Take also into account a party atmosphere and movies, plus the free Express (fastpass to you mouseheads) when you stay onsite giving you more time to do whatever, and Universal looks pretty good.
However, Disney has 4 parks, two waterparks onsite, an entertainment district, many of the conviences of home and the fact that you can hike a bus boat or monrail to anywhere you want to go and you dont have to leave Disney property, Disney seems like a smart choice.
But, with tickets at Universal being less than $100 dollars for 7 days, the annual passes giving you huge discounts on everything from extra tickets and food to even hotels, you start having the value shine through. Not to mention, Disney onsite stuff is onsite....but thats a big damn site. It takes no less than 15-20 minutes to go from park to park, and nevermind the fact that you have triple the number of people because it has 10 times the amount of hotels.
So lets tally a score.
Value:Universal
Convience:Disney
Crowds:Universal
Time Management:Universal
Sorry Sea World, but in those categories, you're just pissin in the wind. Until you get some onsite hotels and maybe another little park....you're just not big enough to ride. I will say, however, that Sea World has one of the best deals where you can pay for one day....and go back all year long. Then you have their Platinum Passport, good for two years and all the Busch Parks....great if you travel.
But the typical person really doesnt care about things like Convience, and Crowds...if they did they wouldnt go on the busiest weekends. They care about rides. Plain and simple, and with a typical family with kids of varying ages, you better have a wide variety.
Sea World:
3 big rides, Kraken, Wild Arctic and Journey to Atlantis. Two of which scare the living hell out of my little one. There is a huge kids section with at six kids rides and a huge play area. Factor in all the animal attractions, the shows and exhibits and free beer. Sea World earns its millions of visitors every year.
Universal:
We know that its more of a value, we know that you can stay onsite and skip the lines. We know its my absolute favorite park. But what about everything else? Two parks give plenty of stuff to do, but lets look. Islands has 4 coasters, two big water rides, and a huge drop tower. You cant convince mom and dad to spend a lot of time here. Hulk, Doom, Dragons, Dudley, and JPRA arent really kid friendly. Storm, Popeye, Flyers, Camp Jurassic, the Discovery Center, Flying Unicorn are. Not to mention Seuss Landing. A whole area based on Dr. Seuss!!! Well, unfortunately people see th coasters and nothing else. So Islands is a great place for families with coaster aged children, and those not afraid to see new things. Not a lot of shows, no parades....yeah, nothing to distract while the kids are waiting for dad and big brother to get off Hulk.
The Studio's are quite the opposite. Loads of shows, characters roaming the streets, kid friendly rides like Shrek and Jimmy Neutron, and thrills like the Mummy. Add in the shows and character meet a greets and you have something for everyone.
Disney...well, its disney. Magic Kingdom is for kids. EPCOT is for grown ups. MGM is for coaster aged kids, and Animal Kingdom...well, its a little of everything for everyone. The thrills tend to be more mild, but they are classic thrills. There are distractions such as parades and shows for the younger kids, and of course the characters.Again, the older kids get bored and tend to shy away wanting to go to Universal. Then of course you have characters beating the crap out of people, kids dying on the rides and Walt's Frozen Head devouring spanish children and you can see where some people shy away.
So lets tally some more votes.
Variety:Disney
Number of Attractions:Disney
Distractions: Disney
Thrills: Universal
Small Children: Disney
There you have it. In the Battle of Orlando, Sea World, while a worthy advesary, is lost in the charge. While Universal wins the battle with things like value and convience, Disney wins the War because of sheer size and variety. Dont get me wrong, there are many other things that I could pick apart and make it slanted so that Universal wins...I've seen people do that with Disney.....but I wanted to be fair here. And actually all the parks are great, but when it comes to your dollars, Disney tries harder, and wins. Magic Kingdom doesnt have the highest attendance in the world for nothing after all. But can it keep it up? Will the boy wizard hex the mouse? Will a flying stingray swoop in a win for Sea World? I dont know, but I hope the war never ends because honestly the people who go to the parks win. I will say this, however, big names do not big crowds make. Look at the Simpsons. HUGE name, but I just dont think it will be the winner this year, nor do I think that Toy Story Mania will be. Lets face it, they're both great rides, but mediocre when you look at those two parks standards.
So until next time keep your pants on.....mirth makers.
Dropped and Exposed is a candid weekly article about the theme park world, and everything in it. I'm an avid park lover, coaster enthusiast and fat guy.
