Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls. Thank you for stopping by my little sliver of the internet. Don’t be shy, just step right up and gather round. The tale I’m going to weave for you today is one for the ages, and not to be missed. Allow me to introduce myself, I’m Erik, keeper of the kept, and master of the inept.
So it started one day, you may have heard it on In The Loop, but Novak says "yeah I need to go on a diet, I couldn't fit on Millenium Force". It dawned on me...If I went to Cedar Point, I wouldnt be able to fit on most of the rides there either. HOLY SHIT, I'M FAT! Well, not really, I am fat, yest, but it didnt dawn on me, it's the elephant in the room....okay, bad metaphor, I'm the elephant in the room. Its really been a problem that I've been struggling with for quite a while. I was a fat kid, then I slimmed down and had another problem, drop dead sexy. Then I went through my twenties eating whatever I wanted, and here I am at 31, fat and unable to fit on coasters. Why? Simply put, I'm lazy. I work hard man, I dont feel like going home after a long hard hot day in the Florida sun and doing more work. Besides, food tastes good. Its always been there for me, its been a comfort, a way of getting by and a way to express myself. Express myself with food? Yeah, I cook a little...what you think I got all this from beer and funnel cakes? Pffft, I wouldnt stoop so low.
So at any rate, the Biggest Loser Competition was born. I really needed this little competition to kick my ass in the right direction. I know Ineed to lose weight, I have high blood pressure and some other medical problems that I need to be healthy for, but as I've said, I am lazy. You would think that it would be motive enough to I dont know....LIVE PAST 40! No, it wasnt. The motive came from A.)Not being able to ride coasters and B.) Destroying Novak. Why? Because, he is the almighty Clint Novak of In The Loop. He's the dictator of Dominator, the Czar of Cedar Point....really, I just want to be able to still call him fatty.
But that got me to thinking. They recently had to redo the boats on "Its a Small World" to make them more "Fat Friendly". Dudley Do-Rights Ripsaw Falls is now not friendly to fatty's because of hte lapbars which are excrutiating on your knees-not to mention balls. B&M has fat seats on every coaster they make now, and Dollywood is probably the most fat friendly park I've ever been to. What is our problem? Why do we need to eat so much? Because we can? Why are loads of kids sitting in front of the tube and not outside playing ball like I did, or even better riding coasters? I applaud parks like Disney for doing things like eliminating trans-fats and offering a variety of healthy alternatives to chicken fingers and hamburgers, but its been good for us for years.....its only now that they've decided to go healthy when everyone else is raising a stink about it. Am I blaming the parks for the millions of fat asses? No more than I'm blaming Budweiser for drunk drivers. Its our choice, and we have to choose to eat it or not. But as I tell my wife...if its in the house I'll eat it.
It's been a few days since I've embarked on this diet. And I'm having a hard time. Special K for breakfast, with 100% pure juice...no sugar, followed by a small snack and then lunch, then a small snack and dinner....yeah, I'm not used to that. I'm used to three big meals and lots of sweets. And fried food, cant forget the fried food. I'm southern, everything is fried, or everything that is good is fried. HOW IN THE HELL WILL I SURVIVE THIS? Should I spend more time at the parks then? Walk it off? Yeah, walk it off going by the Dippin Dots stand, and squishee cart. And who can forget about the huge burgers at Jurassic Park....dear god...it's so wonderful. But heay, come Labor Day I'll be nice and skinny, look good naked, and I'll be able to fit on coasters without resorting to the fat seats. So if you're with me, if you want to be healthy, and most of all, dont want to take that walk of shame, raise another glass of water with me and make a toast while munching on another rice cake to being able to see your willy without a full length mirror. Til next time, keep your pants on.....lardasses.
Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls. Thank you for stopping by my little sliver of the internet. Don’t be shy, just step right up and gather round. The tale I’m going to weave for you today is one for the ages, and not to be missed. Allow me to introduce myself, I’m Erik, keeper of the kept, and master of the inept.
Memorial Day is once again upon us! While for me it means a three day weekend, and most of you it means the start to your park going season, let us reflect on what its really about. Memorial Day is the day that we are to reflect on the soldiers who have fought and made the ultimate sacrifice for our freedom, their lives. Freedom isnt free, it only feels that way.
There are other people out there who believe that not only is the war wrong, but that it is a sign from God that America is altogether wrong. I'm of course talking about the Reverend Fred Phelps of the Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka Kansas. He has a site representing his church called "Godhatesfags.com" and on it he says that the reason our soldiers are dying in the war is because the United States is tolerant of Homosexuals and that God is punishing us for that. Further, this mental midget is using his First Amendment Rights that soldiers have fought and died to bring him, to protest the funerals of American Soldiers with picket signs that says "Your son is in hell with fags" and saying things to mothers with children in Iraq on websites like "I look forward to the day you have to shop for a casket for you fag loving son". Its disgusting, its vile, and its protected by the constitution. The same constitution that our sons, daughters, and friends are all fighting for. On Friday I had the chance to attend a Memorial Service for the fallen soldiers in Florida where Mr. Phelps had his family protesting. See, this is all kind of a scam, I think. Many of the family are lawyers and they sit there and try to instigate a confrontation with you by pulling on your emotions. If their taunts work, they sue you and the city in which they are in in. It was a chilling experience watching these dingleberries trying to chant and sing, only to be interrupted by a throng of vets on motorcycles revving the engines as hard and as loud as they could. It was amazing to see so many people in support of those who gave their lives for our freedom, and to completely shut down a group of simple folk, those who take pleasure in the loss of others, who's sole purpose is to make sure their message is heard....you know, morons.
On a lighter note, and lordy do we need one, Memorial Day is the official start of Summer, the official start of your Amusement Park season, and a great weekend for movies. Anyone see a little film about a guy and some kind of crystal skull thingy? Well, you're missing out if you havent. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, while not the best of the series was definately a triumphant return for our favorite whip cracking fedora wearing grave robber.. Does it meet the hype? Yes and no. Yes, if you arent expecting it to be Raiders. Yes if you are looking to have fun, and yes if you just want to see Indy on the screen again. Shia LeBouf wasnt bad, and the whole thing about Sallah dying....well, sorry for the spoiler folks......or am I?
I really had fun with the film, and hope you all go see it this weekend, a lot....I want an Indy 5. I went with my dad to see it, because when I was growing up he was Indiana Jones. He was the tough kick ass guy I looked up to. I saw a lot of similarities in my dad and Harrison Ford this time around, mostly the old part. They made no qualms about making sure he was living up to his age. Indy had aged, and went through hell, and they made sure that you knew it. It wasnt the day after Last Crusade. And while its Hollywood, it hit close to home. My father too has aged, as we all do, and my father still regails my son with the stories of all of his adventures growing up in a Florida that doesnt exist anymore. And like Indy my dad lost his father, whom he shared some great adventures with. So seeing the gleem in Indy's eyes touched me even more when I saw the same gleem in my dad's eyes. You know that gleem, the one that says, "yeah, I'm an old man, but I'll still kick your ass".
But Indy speaking of Indy, remember the one scene in Temple of Doom that seemed destined for a ride? Yeah, the mine cars. There are several spots in this latest edition that screams "DISNEY MAKE ME A FUCKIN RIDE!!!" I would love to see Disney's Hollywood Studios take this and add it to what they already have, it would seriously kick a certain boy wizard in the teeth, dont you think?
Speaking of the parks, no, I wont be attending a park this weekend. Why? Well, in Florida, going to a park on a Holiday Weekend is total suicide. It doesnt matter how early you go, there will be a huge crowd, and you'll get less done. Besides, with annual passes to most of the Orlando area parks, its really not neccessary to go and jam asses to elbows with all those trying to fit a whole years worth of rides into a four day weekend. Well, thats enough bitching and fantasizing for one week. Til next time, keep your pants on....whip snappers.
Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls. Thank you for stopping by my little sliver of the internet. Don’t be shy, just step right up and gather round. The tale I’m going to weave for you today is one for the ages, and not to be missed. Allow me to introduce myself, I’m Erik, keeper of the kept, and master of the inept. If you’ve been following along I was asked by the wonderful gang here at Coaster Crew to be part of their happy little family, a chance that I was honored to take. So honored in fact, that I drew a total and complete blank. But I’ve finally pulled my head out of my proverbial rectum and here I am. Why was I asked? Your guess is as good as mine. I am no expert at the parks, I am not employed in the industry, and every project that I’ve embarked on ( and the current count is at three) has met with utter failure. No, I suspect the reason is because I am just like most of you. I love theme parks and roller coasters. You may or may not have noticed, but the title of this little venture is called “Dropped and Exposed”. You must be thinking “GREAT! FINALLY! Some real inside dirt on the theme park industry!” Truth be known, I just wanted a chance to post a picture of me in my underwear…hope you’re not disappointed, or disgusted. So, this week on my sure to be short lived column I’m going to take you into a staple of every summer season. Something we all do year after year amidst the throngs of people, crowds of teens and budget conscious tourists. That’s right, we’re going to the movies! The past few weeks have already seen a certified, bonafide, 100% blockbuster, and an absolute turd. Now wait, put your tomatoes down, don’t light the pitchforks just yet, I promise this is about coasters. Now where was I? Oh yeah, Iron Man.
So Iron Man is the latest take on the Superhero genre. Quite honestly, Hollywood is going a little bankrupt with ideas, adapting one of the lesser known Marvel Superheroes with an even lesser known gallery of villains. Walking in I was expecting a lot of thrill, a lot of bang, but I what I walked out with was much more than I thought I could get from this film. I knew this was going to be a fun popcorn film made especially for the summer. Much like a lot of rides at parks such as the Six Flags and Cedar Fair parks, I knew I was going to have fun, but I didn’t think I was going to care about it in a few hours. The film was just short of amazing. John Favreau directs and weaves this tale of a weapons maker who is kidnapped and forced to make weapons for a band of terrorists, only to turn around later and become the titular encased hero. On the other end of the spectrum is Speed Racer. Its wild and crazy and could be a lot of fun, if you could just get past the fact that there is really a stupid story, the effects make you somewhat nauseated, and well its just plain silly. Its like eating a garbage bag full of candy on Halloween night. You’re going to have the most awesome two hours of your life with all the sugar induced hallucinations, but in the morning, when you wake up with your underwear on your head in a pool of vomit that jumps out at you when you strap on your 3D glasses, you’re going to be just like everyone else…ready to move on and forget about it. This is exactly how I feel about a lot of new attractions that have opened this year…sure they’re going to be fun, but you’ll be ready to move on when someone comes up with an even bigger better idea. Case in point: The Simpsons Ride. Aesthetically, it’s a gorgeous new exterior with an unbelievably funny preshow, and a lot of nods to the TV show that is now almost 17 years old. But the ride itself is just not that good. It is the same ride system, same domes (touched up a little bit) same building with the same shaky foundation (which some folks tell me is separating at a rate of a half inch a year) and the same sick feeling when you get off of it. Lets face it, it’s a temporary fix until the Studio’s gets their new coaster which is going to cover the whole front of the park next year, and of course Harry Potter in 2010. So until then you get the refurbished Back to The Simpsons and Christopher Walkenized version of Earthquake. Not the best new attractions, but hey its sugar until the next big blockbuster can come along. In the movie world that next big Blockbuster is going to be Indiana Jones: And The Quest to Prove Harrison Ford, Stephen Spielberg, and George Lucas Can Still Make People Wait In Line For Three Hours. I’m really looking forward to it, though I don’t really know what to think of it. Clint Novak and Will Holder recently went to the Media Event at Hard Rock Park, and according to them its like nothing we’ve ever seen. They go as far as to say that “The Trip: Nights in White Satin” is better than perennial Golden Ticket Winner, Amazing Adventures of Spider Man. Blasphemy. That’s like saying Temple of Doom was the better than Raiders of the Lost Ark! Sure, it’s a fun movie, sure it’s a blast….but I seriously doubt that “The Trip” will melt your face off and give you the power to rule the world! I’m very curious about this park, but cautiously so. I don’t want to get my hopes up less I am extremely disappointed. Now that I’ve completely geeked out and probably lost you in that gooey mess of nerdy backup, I’ve got to tell you that I have yet to experience my Iron Man this year. Last year it was hands down Mystery Mine and Dollywood that had me shuddering in blissfully orgasmic waves of coaster dorkdom. I walked in expecting nothing and was ready to have a child with Mystery Mine after showing Dolly my Thunderhead. It was that good to me. This year, admittedly I haven’t been to many parks, save my blessed Universal. I’ve yet to experience Aquatica, Jungala, or Toy Story Mania, all of which I’ve heard mixed feelings on. I’ve heard that Splash Battle at Dollywood is another step towards that parks heavenly perfection, and if I here one more goddamned thing about Dominator I’m going to shove a purple train right up someone’s fu……well, I’ll be very annoyed. Point is that there’s so much going on, and so much we still haven’t seen. The parks keep stepping it up just like the studios do, and for all their worth there will be some greatness, and then there will be just your ordinary polished turds. Regardless of what you end up with, have a blast, be safe, and until next week……keep your pants on pudknockers.
Dropped and Exposed is a candid weekly article about the theme park world, and everything in it. I'm an avid park lover, coaster enthusiast and fat guy.
