My Coaster Collection

Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls. Thank you for stopping by my little sliver of the internet. Don’t be shy, just step right up and gather round. The tale I’m going to weave for you today is one for the ages, and not to be missed. Allow me to introduce myself, I’m Erik, keeper of the kept, and master of the inept.

I know that in the past I've said that I'm not that big a fan of coasters, but, I do like them. How can you not? So many types, so many varieties, so many different things they do. Wood or steel, hills or loops, so many people love them and they are the mainstay of any theme park. Would Hard Rock be worth a second look if it didnt have Led Zeppelin? Of course not. Themeing keeps the crowds entertained, but the coasters bring them in. This week I wanted to pick my favorite coasters for my personal collection that will be erected on my property, as soon as I win the lottery. Some of these I've been on, some I havent, some are completely made up...but they all are fun.

10.Dueling Dragons-Before Universal guts it, before Harry Potter rapes it, I want it. Pack it up, and give it to me. I want the queue line, I want the doom and gloom skull warning you. I want the skeletons in the wall having sex. I want it. This has been for about five years now my favorite ride. The design of the castle is by far the best environment ever. People hanging frozen in the ceiling, shields melted into the walls, a loan fleshy eyeball. It inspires a sense of wonder as you walk past the stained glass windows telling the story to the great book open and Merlins voice booming over you. The ride...well, its a great coaster, but here's somethings to make it better. On Fire, lets actually get the riders close to some fire! My version will have timed blasts going off all around you, and you're moving so quick, why not have a tunnel of fire to go through. Ice, thats a little tougher. You already have the wall to scale, and an ice tunnel would be redundant, so why not have icicles that crawl up thebuilding as you go. Maybe some snow blasts, or even a little A/C vent action. All good fun for the best coaster in the world.

9.Rockin Roller Coaster: Okay this is a good fun coaster. It's in the dark, and its great how it is. I hate that there are talks that Disney is going to retheme it. I wanted to say something along the lines of this coaster like "Starring METALLICA" but the more I thought about it, it's just not fitting. Aerosmith really nails the essence of the coaster where Metallica just kind of nails you in the face. A metallica coaster would hurt....a lot. No, RRC is great with the themeing, the story and how they whisk you away in a limo. I like it. Plus, funny story about my kids...isnt there always...my young man was very into going on this, until he got in line. A little girl pretty much shamed him into going on and as we hit that first drop, I felt his hand leave mine, his arms go in the air as he declared "THIS IS AWESOME!!!". For nostalgia, Disney, I'll take this one off your hands and put it in the back.

8.The Beast: I'm going to have one hell of a chunk of land here. I need something long and old to stand the test of time. The Beast still stands as one of the longest and oldest wooden coasters in existance. It's track is legendary, the air time phenomenal, and the only wooden roller coaster I know that has sex...Son of Beast might have been kind of rough, and but it proves that the Beast has a pecker, and you have to love that about a coaster.

7.Hulk Mountain: I used to love you Space Mountain. Hulk, you use to give me goosebumps. Now you both give me traction. So I'm going to rip you both apart and use the good elements from both to create an all new coaster. Hulk is blasting off to save the earth from the giant meteor that's going to destroy the world in 2012. Imagine if you will a preshow that tells us a huge asteroid is heading for earth, and we're all going to die. Dr. Bruce Banner comes on screen and tells us that if he hits us with Gamma Radiation, we should be able to accelerate fast enough to smash through the rock. There might be side effects though. We walk through a darkened corridor up to the launch pad, getting "blasted" with gamma all the way. As we enter our shuttle shaped vehicle we are strapped in and readied for take off. We go up the ramp in the normal way "Okay everything is clear for launch, I think...I think this might actually work." And ROAR..everything goes wrong as you are launched into oblivion and darkness, lights blurring past you as you dip up and down tossed through lights and supernovas, and finally go on a long dive into the asteroid where it is shattered with the help of special effect lighting, and we see an animatronic hulk grabbing onto the last large piece. Okay, so it sounded better in my head.

6.Sheikra Unleashed: What happens when you take the nations first dive coaster, chop off its floor and cage it up? It gets pissed. Sheikra, in my opinion, is better than Griffon. They are both good fun coasters, but Sheikra is smaller tighter, and flies around the curves giving you more airtime. It's just too damn short, and does nothing else. I know, the trains, blah blah bullshit. So I will take Sheikra and play RCT with it. Lets rebuild it, and make it higher. We'll borrow from the book of oblivion and make it disappear into the ground, a fox hole perhaps. And in that hole, which will stretch down to the depths of hell and back, we have all kinds of lights and terrifying sounds. Why? Because at that speed, thats all you can hear anyway. Basically, we take what Sheikra has now, and we duplicate it underground. We can be happy underground. After all that, we get launched...thats right, launched, vertically back above ground into that great immelman and back into the lighthouse, ending in the splashdown. Now thats good clean fun.

You like the list so far? Well this is only half. Tune in next week when I count down the rest. Til next time...keep your pants on....coaster cooters.

Fantasize yourselves.