This White Bathing Suit Make My Ass Look Fat?

Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls. Thank you for stopping by my little sliver of the internet. Don’t be shy, just step right up and gather round. The tale I’m going to weave for you today is one for the ages, and not to be missed. Allow me to introduce myself, I’m Erik, keeper of the kept, and master of the inept.

Okay, so I just had a messy nerdgasm all over myself. Two big bits of information regarding my favorite park chain has just been leaked. One was confirmed, one wasnt.

First the one that wasnt. Now its kind of a secret, so dont tell anyone. But allegedly I have a full list of all the haunted houses for this year's Halloween Horror Nights. How'd I get it? Well it was listed on HHNVault.com the premiere site for all things Halloween Horror Nights which will be now known from here on out as HHN. You see HHN is a yearly festival of Horror that features a bevy of new haunted houses every year, loads of scare zones (that is areas that are not houses that you still get scared in) and outrageous shows. This is not a kid friendly event, and it is seriously recommended that kids under 13 do not attend. For one they're not usually mature enough to handle being out in the dark all alone, and the other...This shit is scary.

Last year most of the houses had movie themes. Universal teamed up with New Line Cinemas to bring Freddy Jason and Leatherface to "Jacks' Carnival of Carnage" which was pretty cool. It linked every house together as a sideshow to the carnival, and put you into each film by creating sets and scenes. Unbelievably well done, though not well recieved, mostly because of crowds. This thing gets bigger and bigger every year.

So every year us dorks who love this crap eagerly await any bit of information we can get. Rumors, theme ideas...anything. So imagine my joy when I logged onto the Vault to find this list waiting for me. Now, again this hasnt been confirmed, and a central theme hasnt been told...but I'll toss some ideas. And again, only rumors...but these are pretty detailed rumors, and kind of what we've heard. Now I'll give you an idea of what I think the houses will be about, but again, only rumors...I stress only rumors. Did I mention none of this is confirmed, and we didnt break the story? We're just commenting on the rumors.

Creatures: This is said to be a Soundstage house. That means it has lots of room, will be huge and will employ lots of special effects. I think you'll see lots of horrible disfigured creatures and even puppets.

The Hallow: This is said to be in one of the Tent Houses...seriously a giant Tent keeps this house. Tough to tell, last year Thing was in a tent house and it was a swift kick in the balls with a razor blade high heel. It was so great. This idea? I dont know. Maybe a Sleepy Hollow type deal? Maybe a mystical place where everything has gone wrong...who knows.

Dead Exposure: Allegedly going to be in the other tent house. Zombies, and cameras. Expect it to be pretty damn good. This kind of ties in with the George Romero 40th Anniversary of Night of the Living Dead.

Scary Tales 3: This house is legend. It has seen two incarnations that have been fan favorites. Imagine your favorite fairy tales gone horribly horribly wrong. Lots of great costumes and wonderous set pieces.

Body Collectors: Another Legendary house, and in a soundstage!. This was one of the best houses of HHN 15 and was part of the Terra Cruentas....of which the Storyteller was the Icon. Not really an imaginative house, but very scary and lots of good set pieces.

Interstellar Terror: One last Soundstage house. Now the thing that makes Soundstage houses so special is that these houses are able to house huge set pieces. Last year they housed a whole neighborhood at Christmastime, complete with houses that you walked in and out of and snow! It was so immersive. This one screams to me....The THING part 2. That house was so visionary last year, I'm not surprised if this comes to be.

Doomsday House: Two possibilites. 1. Based on the crappy movie of the same name that was all about people who survived a disease and created their own hellish civilization. 2. Heaven Vs. Hell. Demons vs. Angels....scary shit jumping out at you from all directions, hellfire and brimstone...angels with their wings ripped off. My god it will be gorgeous.

Bloody Mary House: Based on the superstitious story we all heard when we wer kids about the lady you saw if you stood in a dark room in front of a mirror and said her name three times. I dont know...could be fun.

Now for theme. Nothing really comes to mind.We've head stories about Stephen King houses and a StoryTeller theme. Maybe we'll see the Storyteller back, but who knows. Only creative, thats who. I'm pretty excited for this line up as it seems that its pretty original ideas save the two definate repeats and the one movie house. Some good news for us horror fans. Of course you'll hear loads and loads more as things get closer, and hopefully Novak will let me bring a little horror to you on In The Loop.....please Clint? Purdy Please? I'll be your friend you beanie wearin diet soda drinking stud you.

Get Me Another Drink Chico

Universal has also announced for their other park, that they will be closing Fear Factor Live to open an all new musical. Its so stellar that I can hardly contain myself...Ready?

Creature From the Black Lagoon: LIVE! Dear lord am I so excited about this. Pat Mc Cabe has been arguing with me about how dumb this is going to be, but I say BULLSHIT! This will be one of the best damn shows ever. How can I be so sure? Its Universal for one, and for an idea this crazy to work it has to be good, it really does. Otherwise it will just get Universal laughed right out of the business. I mean it really does take a lot of balls to take a movie that was one of your starting horror films, from the 50's and turn it not only into a theme park attraction, but a comedic theme park musical. Its risky, but it just might work. It could end up being SpiderMan Rocks...or it could end up being "The Lord of The Rings".

I really hope this tests well. I would love to see a version of it at my Orlando park. The Gilman has some sentimental attachments for me. It was the first horror film that my son was able to watch, and loved. It was the first horror film that introduced me to the world of horror, and most of all I had the chance to speak with the man behind the mask Ben "The Reel Gillman" Chapman. It was amazing hearing Ben talk about his experiences and how movies were back then. It seemed to be a better time. Though movies now are amazing with effects and budgets, they dont seem to have the story, suspense and heart that the old films do. So yeah, I say bring on the singing Gillman. I bet most people dont realize that deep down the film was a love story, beauty and the beast, Kong and Faye Raye, Novak and Holder. Besides that it just sounds like a blast. An indoor Amazon Rain Forest, high tech sets and effects and a foot stompin soundtrack. Look out Disney, your singing fish wont stand a chance.

If you'd like to take a listen to my interview not only with Ben Chapman, but Julie Adams...the lady in the white bathing suit check out archived episodes of IOACentral Radio.

So just embrace the terror. Its coming very soon....and so is HHN. Til Next time keep your pants on....Creature Beaters.