The Ritualistic Love Machine

Saturday, my lovely wife and I celebrated our 11th year of wedded bliss. This would be in our 14th year of togetherness. Awww, I know, its so sweet it'll make ya sick. Last year I pulled out all the stops and took her off to Orlando for a showing of the phenomenal Blue Man Group, dinner at Emeril's Tchoup Chop and a lavish hotel suite. That was entirely stupid, because how could I beat that this year? I couldnt. As you know, I am not a rich man....in fact I have very few earthly possesions because the concept of feeding children, and keeping a roof over the head and all that crap comes first. This year has been especially tough financially, and to spend the money on a one of a kind get away like that is just not a good idea. So, instead of looking like the chivalristic hero of last year, I asked her what she would like. Of course the first thing to come up was Tchoup Chop. It's just exquisite.

So I bandied together a few bucks and a few ideas, and decided on Blue Man Group tickets, a decent hotel, and dinner at the Tchoup Chop should pay the Mrs. a fitting tribute for putting up with me for yet another year. So, a sitter for the kids, and off to Orlando we went.

This aint Mouse Magic.

We had a few hours to kill before our Blue Man Show at 3, and decided to take in a few rides at Universal. Normally when going to a park, especially this time of year, we arrive early, ungodly so....I mean like an hour before the gate is supposed to open. Doing this of course gives us a few hours of walk on rides, and half the parks done before things get busy. Seeing this was a special occasion, there was no need to rush. We've been to Universal time and time again, and this was just to have fun. So we strolled in through the side gate, and was immediately hit with huge lines for Shrek and Jimmy Neutron....even Twister had a 25 minute wait, so it wasnt looking very good. The one thing I absolutely love about the busy times is that Universal rolls out heavily with the Streetmosphere...that is, tons of characters just wandering around talking to people randomly. First person we saw was Marilyn Monroe smoozing it up for countless cameras and being flirty as could be. Around the Shrek way we say literally tons of storybook characters including a stiltwalking Rapunzel, and a rather cute Little Miss Muffett....this was wrong on so many levels, but works for the family scene....nevermind us dirty old perverts who fantasize about curds and weigh.

Onto Mummy, which of course had a huge wait, but never fear single riders are here. Ten minutes later, we're off to MIB...everything else has huge lines and no single riders. One turn on MIB, and after some convincing to my wife, we were going on again. The guy at the front stopped us however and said "I need you to wait right here". We were kind of thrown off, what ever could be wrong? Did he recognize me from In The Loop, or worse one of the other podcasts I've done and now was going to boot me out of the park? I mean, they're not the greatest shows, but come on....

"Just two of you? Come with me, we'll get you to the front of the line."

We walked in through the side doors, and not only got to get in front but the guy, Daniel was his name, rode with us, giving hints and tips to max out our score the whole way. Come to find out, Universal does this all the time, and he just chose me randomly to go above and beyond with. Daniel chatted us the whole way through MIB and got me closer than ever to maxing out my score, and even asked us if we would like to ride again without him. Of course we thank him but moved on, shaking his hands and stopping off to speak with a manager about how great we had been treated. THIS is why I love Universal. Nothing like that has ever happened to me at Disney.

Simpsons was over an hour, and I wasnt about to wait that long for it....Daniel did say if there was anything he could do just let him know....nah, asking to skip the line at Simpsons would be too much. Off to lunch at Monsters Cafe, and Blue Man Group, taking more pictures along the way. Sure we didnt ride much, but dammit we had fun. And thats what the weekend of Love was all about. On the way to BMG, we stopped in the Boneyard where they've cleared everything out to replace it with some random benches, trees and a random patch of astroturf. I mean,I'm not about taking pictures of big plots of dirt where a coaster will go later, but this was too good to pass up. What the hell purpose does this random piece of fake grass serve? Nothing, but it sure had a lot of dorks taking pictures of it..I really think Universal gets it. It knows people love them, and knows that people are looking for anything they can get a hold of, and I think they also fuck with people because they know it.

Blue Man's Balls

This was going to be my fifth time seeing BMG. I cant help it, I get a need every few months and I have to see it. So here we were again. Now I tried to get the best seats I could, only to be pushed just a few rows back, but hey we were here. Now before every show they have a series of messages out to the audience, singling people out in the audience and making them feel special by giving them achievements that they of course had never done. These "random" acts are of course all prechosen, and you can request this at time of your ticket purchase. So there we are sitting reading all of the preshow announcements, and low and behold "Would Bridgette Yates please stand up." You want to talk estatic. The girl almost wet herself. "That was so cool they chose me randomly!" Yeah, they sure did kiddo...they sure did.

There was a young tyke sitting behind us, and she was just as terrified as she could be. "Is it scary, are they mean, etc. etc."

Mom and dad werent cutting it for her, so of course being the mommy and daddy we are in real life, we decided to lean back and tell her "This is the coolest thing EVER. You're going to be scared at first, but I guarantee you that you'll love it so much you'll be dancing by the end of the show." This seemed to do some good, but also scare her....not only was it dark, and there were blue guys, but here is a fat guy in front of her that could possibly eat her! Well, I have been dieting...and I do get cravings.....

The show was absolutely fantastic as normal, though only half way filled. Hopefully the later shows would be more to capacity, as this is a show you MUST see. The finale of the show is just a huge techno type euphoric party, and just as I predicted my little friend was dancing behind me giggling and smiling as wide as she could. Dad gave a thumbs up, and proceeded to drown his little princess in tons of paper. Awesomeness could get no better. Now, off to feast.

I Want a Bean Feast.

Yeah, so I cheated on my diet. I cheated, and did it, dirty raw and nasty. I smacked it up flipped it rubbed it down...OH NO! I was good all week and lost a total of 21 lbs. That was all gained back on Saturday as I walked into the elegant and superb Tchoup Chop. We first did this last year and had such a great time that we decided to do it again and try a better table. A better table we got, right next to the neverending lilly pond, and in perfect view of the kitchen. We were seated immediately and paid close attention to by our 3 servers, Bill, Jr. and Jodie(I hope I got the names right). All three were amazing and took care of us greatly. Turns out we missed Chef Emeril by about 20 minutes as he left through the back door...probably hearing that I was coming to eat him. But I digress...

Tchoup Chop is a polynesian themed resturaunt at Universal's Royal Pacific hotel, designed by Chef extrordinaire Emeril Lagasse. They have everything from steak, to sushi, all with a pacific island flair. I called ahead and had reservations, and when asked if it was something special..."yeah our 11th wedding anniversary." We were greeted with a warm Happy Anniversary and special appetizers. After that we had the pork eggrolls, which were exquisite, and melted in my mouth. The alcohol flowed in the huge Volcano type drink which mixed a buttload of rum and any citrus juices and came a flame. Literally, the shit was on fire...which you blew out and sucked the 151 down that was on top. MMMMMmmmmm good. I wont bore you with the rest of the details, except that my wife got the chef's sampler which was basically a 4 course meal and was very satisified with everything that came out. Mine was delectable. When the floor manager came by and asked how it was I had to act all pissed for a split second and tell him just how great his staff was and how special they had made us feel.

You could see the pleased smile come across his face. The general manager came out later with dessert, a special Happy Anniversary muffin with "Happy Anniversary" written in chocolate and a raspberry glaze. Incredible to say the least. The Floor manager came with the final course of the Chef's sampler....the house special........Banana Cream Pie. Now my wife isnt much on Banana pudding or pie...but she said the same thing I did. This stuff was the closest thing you could get to an orgasm with your clothes on. It was the stuff that civilizations were built upon and could easily take down a third world country's regime. Fantastical fantasy filled with caramel and flightly fudge. Amazing. As we left every single person who waited on us shook hands with me and hugged my wife. It was as if we were a part of the family and they genuinely wanted us back. They got me again, we're going to make this an annual tradition.

After that it was off to the hotel. I will stop right there...you dont need to know what else happened. But I will say that the Clarion hotel on 192.....the Clarion "waterpark" SUCKED. They lost our reservations, tried to charge way too much, and just overly sucked. They were bad. I did not like it, and I doubt I will go again. The concept was cool....a waterpark in the hotel..which looked nice, but they closed at 7p.m. so I dont know how it was. Also the jacuzzi in the room didnt work. Again I say, Clarion...you suck. Out loud, balls out, and through a straw.

Discuss on the forums...or dont....see if I care....I do actually....

Til next time, keep your pants on.......wedding tacklers.