Summer of the Golden Turd!
Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls. Thank you for stopping by my little sliver of the internet. Don’t be shy, just step right up and gather round. The tale I’m going to weave for you today is one for the ages, and not to be missed. Allow me to introduce myself, I’m Erik, keeper of the kept, and master of the inept.
If you’ve been following along I was asked by the wonderful gang here at Coaster Crew to be part of their happy little family, a chance that I was honored to take. So honored in fact, that I drew a total and complete blank. But I’ve finally pulled my head out of my proverbial rectum and here I am. Why was I asked? Your guess is as good as mine. I am no expert at the parks, I am not employed in the industry, and every project that I’ve embarked on ( and the current count is at three) has met with utter failure. No, I suspect the reason is because I am just like most of you. I love theme parks and roller coasters. You may or may not have noticed, but the title of this little venture is called “Dropped and Exposed”. You must be thinking “GREAT! FINALLY! Some real inside dirt on the theme park industry!” Truth be known, I just wanted a chance to post a picture of me in my underwear…hope you’re not disappointed, or disgusted.
So, this week on my sure to be short lived column I’m going to take you into a staple of every summer season. Something we all do year after year amidst the throngs of people, crowds of teens and budget conscious tourists. That’s right, we’re going to the movies! The past few weeks have already seen a certified, bonafide, 100% blockbuster, and an absolute turd. Now wait, put your tomatoes down, don’t light the pitchforks just yet, I promise this is about coasters. Now where was I? Oh yeah, Iron Man.
So Iron Man is the latest take on the Superhero genre. Quite honestly, Hollywood is going a little bankrupt with ideas, adapting one of the lesser known Marvel Superheroes with an even lesser known gallery of villains. Walking in I was expecting a lot of thrill, a lot of bang, but I what I walked out with was much more than I thought I could get from this film. I knew this was going to be a fun popcorn film made especially for the summer. Much like a lot of rides at parks such as the Six Flags and Cedar Fair parks, I knew I was going to have fun, but I didn’t think I was going to care about it in a few hours. The film was just short of amazing. John Favreau directs and weaves this tale of a weapons maker who is kidnapped and forced to make weapons for a band of terrorists, only to turn around later and become the titular encased hero.
On the other end of the spectrum is Speed Racer. Its wild and crazy and could be a lot of fun, if you could just get past the fact that there is really a stupid story, the effects make you somewhat nauseated, and well its just plain silly. Its like eating a garbage bag full of candy on Halloween night. You’re going to have the most awesome two hours of your life with all the sugar induced hallucinations, but in the morning, when you wake up with your underwear on your head in a pool of vomit that jumps out at you when you strap on your 3D glasses, you’re going to be just like everyone else…ready to move on and forget about it.
This is exactly how I feel about a lot of new attractions that have opened this year…sure they’re going to be fun, but you’ll be ready to move on when someone comes up with an even bigger better idea. Case in point: The Simpsons Ride. Aesthetically, it’s a gorgeous new exterior with an unbelievably funny preshow, and a lot of nods to the TV show that is now almost 17 years old. But the ride itself is just not that good. It is the same ride system, same domes (touched up a little bit) same building with the same shaky foundation (which some folks tell me is separating at a rate of a half inch a year) and the same sick feeling when you get off of it. Lets face it, it’s a temporary fix until the Studio’s gets their new coaster which is going to cover the whole front of the park next year, and of course Harry Potter in 2010. So until then you get the refurbished Back to The Simpsons and Christopher Walkenized version of Earthquake. Not the best new attractions, but hey its sugar until the next big blockbuster can come along.
In the movie world that next big Blockbuster is going to be Indiana Jones: And The Quest to Prove Harrison Ford, Stephen Spielberg, and George Lucas Can Still Make People Wait In Line For Three Hours. I’m really looking forward to it, though I don’t really know what to think of it. Clint Novak and Will Holder recently went to the Media Event at Hard Rock Park, and according to them its like nothing we’ve ever seen. They go as far as to say that “The Trip: Nights in White Satin” is better than perennial Golden Ticket Winner, Amazing Adventures of Spider Man. Blasphemy. That’s like saying Temple of Doom was the better than Raiders of the Lost Ark! Sure, it’s a fun movie, sure it’s a blast….but I seriously doubt that “The Trip” will melt your face off and give you the power to rule the world! I’m very curious about this park, but cautiously so. I don’t want to get my hopes up less I am extremely disappointed.
Now that I’ve completely geeked out and probably lost you in that gooey mess of nerdy backup, I’ve got to tell you that I have yet to experience my Iron Man this year. Last year it was hands down Mystery Mine and Dollywood that had me shuddering in blissfully orgasmic waves of coaster dorkdom. I walked in expecting nothing and was ready to have a child with Mystery Mine after showing Dolly my Thunderhead. It was that good to me. This year, admittedly I haven’t been to many parks, save my blessed Universal. I’ve yet to experience Aquatica, Jungala, or Toy Story Mania, all of which I’ve heard mixed feelings on. I’ve heard that Splash Battle at Dollywood is another step towards that parks heavenly perfection, and if I here one more goddamned thing about Dominator I’m going to shove a purple train right up someone’s fu……well, I’ll be very annoyed.
Point is that there’s so much going on, and so much we still haven’t seen. The parks keep stepping it up just like the studios do, and for all their worth there will be some greatness, and then there will be just your ordinary polished turds. Regardless of what you end up with, have a blast, be safe, and until next week……keep your pants on pudknockers.
If you’ve been following along I was asked by the wonderful gang here at Coaster Crew to be part of their happy little family, a chance that I was honored to take. So honored in fact, that I drew a total and complete blank. But I’ve finally pulled my head out of my proverbial rectum and here I am. Why was I asked? Your guess is as good as mine. I am no expert at the parks, I am not employed in the industry, and every project that I’ve embarked on ( and the current count is at three) has met with utter failure. No, I suspect the reason is because I am just like most of you. I love theme parks and roller coasters. You may or may not have noticed, but the title of this little venture is called “Dropped and Exposed”. You must be thinking “GREAT! FINALLY! Some real inside dirt on the theme park industry!” Truth be known, I just wanted a chance to post a picture of me in my underwear…hope you’re not disappointed, or disgusted.
So, this week on my sure to be short lived column I’m going to take you into a staple of every summer season. Something we all do year after year amidst the throngs of people, crowds of teens and budget conscious tourists. That’s right, we’re going to the movies! The past few weeks have already seen a certified, bonafide, 100% blockbuster, and an absolute turd. Now wait, put your tomatoes down, don’t light the pitchforks just yet, I promise this is about coasters. Now where was I? Oh yeah, Iron Man.
So Iron Man is the latest take on the Superhero genre. Quite honestly, Hollywood is going a little bankrupt with ideas, adapting one of the lesser known Marvel Superheroes with an even lesser known gallery of villains. Walking in I was expecting a lot of thrill, a lot of bang, but I what I walked out with was much more than I thought I could get from this film. I knew this was going to be a fun popcorn film made especially for the summer. Much like a lot of rides at parks such as the Six Flags and Cedar Fair parks, I knew I was going to have fun, but I didn’t think I was going to care about it in a few hours. The film was just short of amazing. John Favreau directs and weaves this tale of a weapons maker who is kidnapped and forced to make weapons for a band of terrorists, only to turn around later and become the titular encased hero.
On the other end of the spectrum is Speed Racer. Its wild and crazy and could be a lot of fun, if you could just get past the fact that there is really a stupid story, the effects make you somewhat nauseated, and well its just plain silly. Its like eating a garbage bag full of candy on Halloween night. You’re going to have the most awesome two hours of your life with all the sugar induced hallucinations, but in the morning, when you wake up with your underwear on your head in a pool of vomit that jumps out at you when you strap on your 3D glasses, you’re going to be just like everyone else…ready to move on and forget about it.
This is exactly how I feel about a lot of new attractions that have opened this year…sure they’re going to be fun, but you’ll be ready to move on when someone comes up with an even bigger better idea. Case in point: The Simpsons Ride. Aesthetically, it’s a gorgeous new exterior with an unbelievably funny preshow, and a lot of nods to the TV show that is now almost 17 years old. But the ride itself is just not that good. It is the same ride system, same domes (touched up a little bit) same building with the same shaky foundation (which some folks tell me is separating at a rate of a half inch a year) and the same sick feeling when you get off of it. Lets face it, it’s a temporary fix until the Studio’s gets their new coaster which is going to cover the whole front of the park next year, and of course Harry Potter in 2010. So until then you get the refurbished Back to The Simpsons and Christopher Walkenized version of Earthquake. Not the best new attractions, but hey its sugar until the next big blockbuster can come along.
In the movie world that next big Blockbuster is going to be Indiana Jones: And The Quest to Prove Harrison Ford, Stephen Spielberg, and George Lucas Can Still Make People Wait In Line For Three Hours. I’m really looking forward to it, though I don’t really know what to think of it. Clint Novak and Will Holder recently went to the Media Event at Hard Rock Park, and according to them its like nothing we’ve ever seen. They go as far as to say that “The Trip: Nights in White Satin” is better than perennial Golden Ticket Winner, Amazing Adventures of Spider Man. Blasphemy. That’s like saying Temple of Doom was the better than Raiders of the Lost Ark! Sure, it’s a fun movie, sure it’s a blast….but I seriously doubt that “The Trip” will melt your face off and give you the power to rule the world! I’m very curious about this park, but cautiously so. I don’t want to get my hopes up less I am extremely disappointed.
Now that I’ve completely geeked out and probably lost you in that gooey mess of nerdy backup, I’ve got to tell you that I have yet to experience my Iron Man this year. Last year it was hands down Mystery Mine and Dollywood that had me shuddering in blissfully orgasmic waves of coaster dorkdom. I walked in expecting nothing and was ready to have a child with Mystery Mine after showing Dolly my Thunderhead. It was that good to me. This year, admittedly I haven’t been to many parks, save my blessed Universal. I’ve yet to experience Aquatica, Jungala, or Toy Story Mania, all of which I’ve heard mixed feelings on. I’ve heard that Splash Battle at Dollywood is another step towards that parks heavenly perfection, and if I here one more goddamned thing about Dominator I’m going to shove a purple train right up someone’s fu……well, I’ll be very annoyed.
Point is that there’s so much going on, and so much we still haven’t seen. The parks keep stepping it up just like the studios do, and for all their worth there will be some greatness, and then there will be just your ordinary polished turds. Regardless of what you end up with, have a blast, be safe, and until next week……keep your pants on pudknockers.
Labels: dropped, exposed, in the loop, indiana jones, iron man, roller coasters, simpsons, theme parks, universal orlando
posted by Erik the Yates at
7:41 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home