If you Cut Me I Bleed Gravy

Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls. Thank you for stopping by my little sliver of the internet. Don’t be shy, just step right up and gather round. The tale I’m going to weave for you today is one for the ages, and not to be missed. Allow me to introduce myself, I’m Erik, keeper of the kept, and master of the inept.

So it started one day, you may have heard it on In The Loop, but Novak says "yeah I need to go on a diet, I couldn't fit on Millenium Force". It dawned on me...If I went to Cedar Point, I wouldnt be able to fit on most of the rides there either. HOLY SHIT, I'M FAT! Well, not really, I am fat, yest, but it didnt dawn on me, it's the elephant in the room....okay, bad metaphor, I'm the elephant in the room. Its really been a problem that I've been struggling with for quite a while. I was a fat kid, then I slimmed down and had another problem, drop dead sexy. Then I went through my twenties eating whatever I wanted, and here I am at 31, fat and unable to fit on coasters. Why? Simply put, I'm lazy. I work hard man, I dont feel like going home after a long hard hot day in the Florida sun and doing more work. Besides, food tastes good. Its always been there for me, its been a comfort, a way of getting by and a way to express myself. Express myself with food? Yeah, I cook a little...what you think I got all this from beer and funnel cakes? Pffft, I wouldnt stoop so low.

So at any rate, the Biggest Loser Competition was born. I really needed this little competition to kick my ass in the right direction. I know Ineed to lose weight, I have high blood pressure and some other medical problems that I need to be healthy for, but as I've said, I am lazy. You would think that it would be motive enough to I dont know....LIVE PAST 40! No, it wasnt. The motive came from A.)Not being able to ride coasters and B.) Destroying Novak. Why? Because, he is the almighty Clint Novak of In The Loop. He's the dictator of Dominator, the Czar of Cedar Point....really, I just want to be able to still call him fatty.

But that got me to thinking. They recently had to redo the boats on "Its a Small World" to make them more "Fat Friendly". Dudley Do-Rights Ripsaw Falls is now not friendly to fatty's because of hte lapbars which are excrutiating on your knees-not to mention balls. B&M has fat seats on every coaster they make now, and Dollywood is probably the most fat friendly park I've ever been to. What is our problem? Why do we need to eat so much? Because we can? Why are loads of kids sitting in front of the tube and not outside playing ball like I did, or even better riding coasters? I applaud parks like Disney for doing things like eliminating trans-fats and offering a variety of healthy alternatives to chicken fingers and hamburgers, but its been good for us for years.....its only now that they've decided to go healthy when everyone else is raising a stink about it. Am I blaming the parks for the millions of fat asses? No more than I'm blaming Budweiser for drunk drivers. Its our choice, and we have to choose to eat it or not. But as I tell my wife...if its in the house I'll eat it.

It's been a few days since I've embarked on this diet. And I'm having a hard time. Special K for breakfast, with 100% pure juice...no sugar, followed by a small snack and then lunch, then a small snack and dinner....yeah, I'm not used to that. I'm used to three big meals and lots of sweets. And fried food, cant forget the fried food. I'm southern, everything is fried, or everything that is good is fried. HOW IN THE HELL WILL I SURVIVE THIS? Should I spend more time at the parks then? Walk it off? Yeah, walk it off going by the Dippin Dots stand, and squishee cart. And who can forget about the huge burgers at Jurassic Park....dear god...it's so wonderful. But heay, come Labor Day I'll be nice and skinny, look good naked, and I'll be able to fit on coasters without resorting to the fat seats. So if you're with me, if you want to be healthy, and most of all, dont want to take that walk of shame, raise another glass of water with me and make a toast while munching on another rice cake to being able to see your willy without a full length mirror. Til next time, keep your pants on.....lardasses.

Dropped and Exposed:3

Thrill Holder: 2

Just sayin.....