Blood From A Turnip

Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls. Thank you for stopping by my little sliver of the internet. Don’t be shy, just step right up and gather round. The tale I’m going to weave for you today is one for the ages, and not to be missed. Allow me to introduce myself, I’m Erik, keeper of the kept, and master of the inept.


Jumping Jesus on a Stick. How does Clint Novak and Will Holder do it? I live an hour and a half away from Orlando. Its an easy hour and a half, as the highway dumps out right by my house and I can pretty much take back roads to Universal and Sea World. Its not that rough a ride. But the damn gas situation is getting out of control. Gas around me popped over $4.00 a gallon, which if I drove my good ole blue dakota V-8 would cost me just about $90 bucks just to get there and back. My wife has a Chevy Impala, and that does slightly better at just $60 dollars to fill up, and only half a tank to get to Orlando and back. Now I dont expect you to take pity. You're in pretty much the same situation, maybe even worse, you have to wait a full year to go on your annual pilgrimage to your favorite park. The point is that it really sucks, and there is no end in sight to the inveritable rape of our wallets.
The high cost of fuel has already taken its toll on everything from food to electricity, so logically speaking its only a matter of time before theme parks feel the pinch. Lets look at it like this. I have annual passes to Universal, Sea World, Busch Gardens, and Cypress Gardens. I'm not trying to brag, when you're a coaster addict, well.....I dont have to tell you guys. We get passes for birthdays and Christmas from the four sets of parents we have....so no, I'm not rolling in it like Novak and Holder. We would spend every weekend in the Orlando area at one of the many parks. Now, we're lucky to get up once a month. To make matters even worse, we have a statewide budget crunch here in Florida. You see, people from up North decided to sell their houses and move here where houses were cheaper, and drove up the market...this in turn drove up taxes. When people got all up in arms, the good governor Crist decided to pass a bill that would essentially lower our taxes $30 dollars a year while threatening to take away a huge tax exemption, which naturally cuts the budgets of all the municipalities including the one that I work for. So, of course we are trying to save money in the likely event that I'm laid off. I know that I'm not the only one that is being effected in this way, and I suspect that the smaller parks are going to be the first to feel the pinch.

Parks like Universal have already felt the strain at the pump and have cut fire effects on rides like JAWS, Jurassic Park and even Spider Man. Budget cuts are one thing, but whats going to happen when the visitors stop coming in as much as they did? Disney is pretty immune to this for now, lets face it, its Disney and its always busy....thats the blessing and the curse of the Evil Empire. And they have the huge over seas crowd to help out. After all, our dollar is in the toilet as well, and the Europeans are coming over and living like kings on a paupers budget. Good for them, that may be the only thing that saves our asses in a while....


But lets look at the smaller parks...the regionals. Sure they have a lot of Season Pass holders, but how many are from righ around the corner? The majority of people who have a season pass to say a Six Flags park lives a good two or three hours away. Slowly those pass dollars are going to slow down. Then, when this happens, parks naturally raise prices on things like food, and do things like institute mandatory locker rentals. It becomes less and less affordable. Sooner or later, the park is faced with a decision. Stay open at a loss, and open a really huge ride in the hopes that it will bring in people all summer long, or limit the hours, or worse, close. If ticket sales dont improve thats what happens to a lot of smaller parks like your Holiday Worlds and Cypress Gardens, they are left as hollow shells of their former selves, empty and without guests. The higher prices on gas also mean that the parks that do have a big draw normally, start to feel a pinch so they do even more to draw in the little bit of tourist dollars that they can. Do what? I dont know, they do things like dump a billion dollars into a park that is regarded as the weakest in the chain. They turn to boy wizards that have over a billion dollars in profit worldwide. This sucks the life out of any and all of the smaller guys. Want proof? Look at 192 in Kissimmee and to a lesser extent International Drive in Orlando. These are all pathways to major parks, but as the parks increase their prices it gives less money to spend on things like Magical Midway, Terror in Orlando and yes even Old Town.

Point is that gas is killing us in many ways. I know its too much to ask for us all to band together and not use gas for a day....if you dont buy it on Tuesday it wont make a difference because you probably filled up on Friday. But do little things like carpool, stop at the store on your way home from work, and dammit fart in a jar! Okay that may not help, but we've got to try something. Thats how we can change the world, one fart jar at a time. Til next time keep your pants on......gas mashers.